Monday, November 11, 2013

Writing Again

I'll be using this blog to tell my story, its ups and downs, its wins and losses, the good and the bad, without any filters - completely Transparent. I am the Trans-ParenSEE Blogger.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013


I was told I was a runner. And it’s true. I am.

I’ve been running FOREVER. I remember when I was in elementary school. My older sister would race me up the driveway, she’d win, she’d tease...I’d cry. But Mom put an end to that. Made me race her till her till I won, and if I didn’t...I wasn’t allowed to cry, just to try harder.

I don’t cry when I lose anymore.

In Jr. High I realized I was actually fast...freaky fast. But instead of delivering subs, I spent the next 5 years running in circles, going nowhere, but getting there fast. There were trophies and medals at the finish lines. They were little tokens of my achievements of running fast, but getting nowhere. But still, I liked to run. It was fun, it was relaxing.

In college, I still ran...but a different type of running. I was running after someone - now I was chasing. I spent most my college career chasing this one chick. I mean I was on this girl like white on rice. I mean I was head over heels. I mean flowers, cards, dinners, movies, gifts, poems, and letters. I even lent her money. If she needed a bug killed I was there. A ride, I was there. I’d do anything for this girl. She wasn’t a user, she never asked for anything. I did things because I could, because I wanted to, because I wanted to show that I cared, that I wanted her and was willing to work for her. I was young and sprung, so I chased, full steam ahead - heart outstretched, offering the world only wanted/needing a sign that it wasn’t all for nothing.

I was even the shoulder to cry on when other guys did her wrong and they did, often, because they were runners too. But they ran -- away. Away from commitment, away from monogamy, maybe away from their own insecurities and fears of being hurt. Either way, they weren’t there long. I was. Always available, always willing, always ready to give her 110%. I chased.

I chased the possibility of an us. I chased a dream of making her happy, of being all the things that they weren’t and that she wanted them to be. I chased the white picket fence and 2.5 kids.

I chased and tried harder, but I never won. No shinny medal because I never made it to the finish line. I lost. Chasing wasn’t fun or relaxing, it hurt. I thought I could do anything if I tried hard enough. But after all I did, I was still a great guy for someone else but just a friend to her. I didn’t want to try anymore. So I learned to stop chasing, guard my heart and to just run. I discovered the easiest way to run, is to not try, to not give 110%, to not get stuck and always have an exit. I finally knew why those some of those other guys ran, pain. This is the running they were really talking about, and they were right.

Years later, I’m over her but it’s still hard to try, to be 110% in the chase because the fear of hurt is real even when I know someone deserves it. Scared to get hurt, to put myself 100% out there, to focus and commit. So I still lose.

But maybe I’ve been chasing the wrong thing.

Proverbs 18: 22 says, “The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the Lord.” And that’s what I want more than anything. Reading that verse out of context makes it sound like a wife would lead you to God. However, Palms 37:4 tells us to “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Through all my sins and misdirection God already knows the desires of my heart. He’s just waiting on me to turn it all over to him.

It’s time to stop running, sit still and listen to God.