Chapter 1: Friendship

Ok, so if you've been reading the blogs there is a poem called "Lesson Learned." In if there is a line that goes, "Friendship, like, lust, love are all chapters of life's book." In essence saying that they are all possible steps in a relationship (on any level). So, here is chapter one: friendship.

“What’s up baby?” We speak, but we’re not close,

we talk in passing, same way we do with most.

We just recently met, somewhere on campus I think

Weren’t any fireworks, inviting smile, not even a wink.

But we keep speaking, making that small talk,

Not that in depth convo, just the kind when you walk

Across campus, through the union and down the hall,

Talking about everything from class to who you saw at the mall

And maybe one day when I think it’s worth the time

I’ll ask for your number, or offer up mine

And maybe we’ll call, we’ll talk in the phone

When I’m not busy, and you’re all alone

And day by day, talk by talk the bond becomes stronger

Small talk to deep stuff, our convo’s become longer.

But truth be told, something may happen and we’ll take a break

Then we’ll bump in passin and from our silence we’ll wake

Asking what’s goin on, trying to get back up to date

And if the stars are aligned and the mood is right

One will ask the other to call them later that night.

“What’s up lady? How u doing? Where you been?

Called to check up, called to see about my lost friend.

Called to see what’s new in your ever changing life,

Whether if be happiness, sadness, stress, strain, or strife,

I’m here to lend a hand, and ease the pain.

I’m not that fair weather friend, I’m here in the rain.”

Heard about friends, to boyfriends, to significant others

And gave advise from one again, to this one, to another.

But through it all I’ll have your back,

Even when the other so called friends are talking smack

I know the deal. I know you. Inside and out.

I know what your worse fears and what your dreams are about.

And when others fall by the wayside and prove untrue

You don’t have to worry because this friendship,

 It’s about the bond between me and you.

Another Again? DAMN!!!

John Legend has a track called Another Again (#12) on his new CD. It's about him and her trying to make it work but they are STUCK in an endless cycle, and he knows that in the end it will just be Another Again…

Ok, so just in the last 24 hours I have seen 2 of my friends getting ready to get caught back up in the same cycle with their EX, and the only question I have for them is WHY? This is the common scenario. Something happens (cheating, fight, lying, outside influences), they break up, stop communicating, start talking again, have sex, try to work it out, and then start all over again. Sound familiar? I know all of you know SOMEONE that has been through, or is going through this same thing.

I just don't understand. I mean both of these girls have been in this cycle FOR YEARS. I understand the thought of feeling like you've invested TOO MUCH and want to see it out…but 2-3 years later is time to cut your losses and move on. Back then they were complaining about the investment, but years later? That is time you could have been investing in someone worth your presence.

Ok, so maybe I do know WHY they keep going in circles….but I still don't understand. I've seen this many times... Sometimes it's because they love their significant other, but they're just using them for sex; sometimes it's just for sex (people got their needs); sometimes it's because this significant other is the ONLY thing they know and they literally feel LOST without them.

I understand every relationship (friendship-> marriage) has its cycles of up and downs. But there should be more ups than downs, right? U shouldn't be crying yourself to sleep and thinking about doing yourself or someone else bodily harm. Even after the worst fight EVER, you shouldn't feel like SHIT. AND even if u don't talk for 2 weeks-2 months you should know that you can and will be ok without them, that you are a COMPLETE person on your own.

Ok, so I have been in a cycle. I was. I think I was the cause of the cycle, she was not the type to initiate ANYTHING. It wasn't over sex, or cheating, or anything like that. I think my cycle was powered by the unknown. Both of us wanting to date again, but wanting to keep the other in our corner. We had our periods of on again, off again till one day I asked if we were better together or apart. She said it wasn't a question of better, but easier. She was kinda implying that it was emotionally taxing. Understandable, right? So that day I made a silent promise to end the cycle. And I think it's best I did, otherwise the cycle might have killed our friendship. Something much too valuable. So, if someone cares for you like I cared for her, shouldn't they do they same thing and let you go? If they know that it is UNHEALTHY, shouldn't they care enough for your happiness to let u go?

1,000 Miles Back and the Next 5 Yrs

It took five years and a thousand miles to get where we are,

We learned to drive, I bought a car,

We turned 21, we learned to drink at the bar, and

We went from T-shirts to Polos, from sweat pants to low-lows,

From childish games, to the game of life,

Thinking about fathering children, to you being a wife,

From thinking we was grown, to knowing it was breathing down our necks,

And trying to figure out what in life comes next,

From out of nowhere, to a place where everyone knows your name,

From a private life to a lot of unwanted fame,

From speaking in passing, to passing to speak,

From not speaking at all, to speaking ‘bout everyday of the week,

From drunk on my doorstep, to crunk in the club,

From being flat broke, to wasting a dub, and

You taught me to stop caring about the outsiders looking in,

Because to play the game, gotta play to win,

And now 5yrs and 1,000 miles later, farther away but closer than ever

Had our bad times and good times, but we’ve stood through rough weather,

Been there through boyfriends and girlfriends and significant others

Been as far as a stranger, but as close as a brother, and

It took us 5yrs and 1000 miles to bring our souls close,

And if it goes no further we’re still closer than most,

So right here and now I want to say cheers,

To 1000 miles back, and the next 5 years.

Sometimes

Sometimes I wonder what you’re doing, what you’re wearing, are you alone, and

Sometimes I start to call, but listen to nothing but the dial tone, and

Sometimes I think that you play songs with me in mind & not that it’s just another love song with a sappy love line, and

Sometimes I hope that I’m the thought that bothers your heart, and

Sometimes I hope that you’ll face your fears and let me in, and

Sometimes I wonder if you’ll happened before life happens and let love win, and

Sometimes I play a song because it reminds me of you, and

Sometimes I cut it off because it reminds me of the times when It was just us two, and

Sometimes I wonder if I am wasting my time writing this rhyme, and

Sometimes I go out with her to forget about you and something jogs my memory about how

Sometimes I feel too deep to give up now, and

Sometimes Dream about you and don’t know why, then open my eyes up to the sky, and

Sometimes I hold my tongue to keep the peace, and

Sometimes I come on a lil strong, and u ignore my notes and do my wrong, and

Sometimes I stare at jpeg files to see your many faces and many smiles, and

Sometimes I want to let go and move on with my life, and find the girl who’ll be my wife, and

Sometimes I wonder if that’s your place, that I’m your King and you’re my ace, and

Sometimes I wonder if this restoration of faith in good men will in the end help someone else touch your beautiful black skin, and

Sometimes I wonder if we’ll stop playing games, talking about each other without naming names, and

Sometimes I wonder if this cycle will end, cuz I feel like a dog chasing its tail, I get real close, but still can’t win.

Letter to My Better Whole

Why would I need my better half?

I mean all of me is standing right here. Rather it’s my left half, my right half, my top half, or my bottom half, my better half stands with my worse half, my worse half with my better half, and both my halves stand together. My halves form a whole; my whole has no divisions, so I ask again, “Why would I need my better half?”

I don’t. I need my better whole.

I need a whole person, complete with their own set of dreams and aspirations and not the thoughts of trying to piggy back off mine.

See, it’s ok to accept a half if you’re looking for completion, but I want completeness. I don’t’ want to complete her, she shall not complete me, for at our time of meeting we shall already be whole. And we’ll grow in our completeness, making each other better people, not just better halves.

My better whole will meet me halfway, matching what I bring to this table called life. In a battle of wits she’ll have her own arsenal of sarcasm and punch lines. She’ll complement my sharp tongue with her own array of rhetoric come backs and smart ass remarks.

She’ll be the fun house mirror reflection of me, having all my qualities in her own quantities and our marriage will be the birth of the next great power couple with a capital HNIC.

Beneath the layers of motivation, determination, aspiration, sexual temptation, and sensual sensation lays the 12 yr old version of us, having middle school’s version of fun, but laughing like grown folks do.

I mean, if I am to be THE, she will definitely be THEONE not to be easily outdone by the masses or cheated by societies classes. Challenging the norm, breaking the mold, surpassing expectations by more than 10 fold.

And still my left half next to my right half, my top half over my bottom half, my better half stands with my worse half, my worse half with my better half, and both my halves stand together. My halves form a whole; my whole has no divisions, so I ask again, “Why would I need my better half?”

1st Tear Shed from Bottle Emotions

A lifetime transformation of a violent temper has left has cooled my nerves and actions but left me with a cellar full of bottled emotions. Quick to think, but slow to react I funneled each angered moment in it’s on personal vessel to be safety stored in the darkest corners of my own mind. Never to be touched, never to be altered, never to be dealt with. Self-restraint has tried to rid me of hells rage: body temperature rises, eyes widen, teeth grit, and my actions are taken over by my subconscious which acts before I have time to think. My conscience takes a back seat to rage and rage hold the keys to my body, my mouth, my sprit. Everything happens in slow motion. These demons, it resides in these bottles, these bottled of emotions. The ones I hide for fear of revelation will be taken unheard, un-listened to, unreturned—crushed. I liked, I cared, I loved. I disliked, I loathed, I hated. I can’t take anymore. I have become indifferent. I have emotions but have become unemotional. I have become a person shielded from the masses. A loner. A one man team. Appearing nonchalant. Appearing not to be bothered. Time’s lessons taught me a layer of thick skin. Thick skin allowing me to take the worst to achieve life’s best. It failed. She got inside, and as my body tensed, temperature rose, hands gripped the wheel I prepared for the worst but was surprised by emotion in it’s purist form. The liquid seeps porn from the cellar, born in my eye, worn on my cheek, and scorn died in my lip. At that moment I commenced funeral service for my first tear shed from bottled emotions. 

What Time Is It?

Tick, tick, tock. I sit listening to my watch. Time's passing away, never to be recovered. I'm talking about good times, bad times, fun times, rough times, and all the times in between that I'm trying to share with you.

Do you remember the time? The time you said that you feel good when you're around me? I felt the same and ask for more of your time. I'm talking about that quality time, that us time, that time only happens once in a blue moon time, but when it does…it's time well spent.

Now time out! I ask for time, but it's always a bad time. You claim to have no free time. I understand you got class time, work time, nap time, bed time, and dinner time, but shit, you even got party and play time, but that damn watch of yours never manages to get to my time.

Now me, I put in overtime at the clock factory just to make time for you. But it's like I'm a full time man stuck in a part time job, trying to come up on more time. I'm suffocating at the bottom of the hourglass trying to plug the hole with one hand and reach out to you with the other.

So I ask "is this a waste of time?" You act like time stands still and reply, "Naw, I got ya next time." We both agree that we don't have enough time, so while I attempt to cherish the time we have, you play hard to get like time is all we have.

They say time is money, then that means money is time and if I had a reason I could turn paper and plastic into precious time. Time would grow wings and fly. But not away, it'd fly us to where we wanted to be, where we needed to be. I'd make our days and nights last longer, and the sunrise last till the end of time. But why put forth the effort, why spend my time? I just need you to meet me half way, but you act like it's not worth your time. So why dedicate my time if it's not an effective use of time?

Like the band at half time, life's moving double time. Time is running out, and though time is short I believe there's no time like the present. So I sit alone on the sands of time waiting for you to show up and ask, "What time is it?"