bitterSWEET Blaque PhairyTail

So I was spending some quality time with my mom while watching Diary of a Mad Black Woman, one of the black fairy tales where despite all adversity the woman has the courage and strength to leave heartache and pain in the past and is saved by the dude who is better for her future, who makes her happy.  I made comment that it was “sweet” that she ended up with ol dude but that “that shit doesn’t happen in real life.” So a conversation about me and my relationships soon followed.

I admitted to my mom that I think that I am a lil bitter when it comes to relationships. Each time I try harder, each time it hurts more. My past experiences have taught me to assume that if a girl isn’t with me or doesn’t answer the phone what she’s with another guy. I know this isn’t always truth…but when there turns out to be another guy in the picture that she chooses over me then it’s no surprise. In fact, I was expecting it. Let’s be serious. How many people do you know in or out of relationships that are only seeing ONE person?

I try to be the best man I know how to be and I hope that that special woman finds her way into my life and at the end of the day we’d be together. I don’t lie. I don’t cheat.  I’ll tell a girl if I am dating someone else. I really don’t have too much to hide. I listen. I care. I hold.  I watch. I watch a thousand other dudes not half of what I am walk off with the types of women I hope to end up with, so I wonder. What da hell am I doing wrong?

It’s rare that I find someone I REALLY like. I date, I kick it, etc. But you can do that with anyone who doesn’t get on your nerves. But on the few occasions have come across someone who really gets my interest; I mean one that has that drive and motivation and “UMPH” that holds my attention past the physical, I have been willing to and tried to give my all. I have done everything from flowers, to cutting off everyone else, to being that listening ear, to being there in that time of need, to putting girls on planes, to all expense paid trips and I honestly don’t have anything to show for it.

So yes, I am a lil bitter. I feel used and abused. I feel I’ve offered the world and was given a pebble. I feel hopeless. To the ones who had enough respect for me and themselves to be up front with me and just tell me the truth when I asked for it, I truly thank you. To the few I think were too scared, too stubborn, or childish to embrace something real, I hope you’re ready next time love presents itself. To the selfish ones who gave me that “ray of hope” just so things could drag on as long as it convenient and entertaining for them, you can kick rocks and die.  Seriously.

So now there is a new girl. I love her work ethic, her want for self improvement, her voice, and her independence. The problem is she gives me that same “I don’t know…I really hadn’t thought about it…I’ve got a lot of stuff going on right now” that I’ve heard before. Honestly she does have a lot going on so it could be legit, but my first instinct is to run for the hills and get out before I’m in too deep. But what if I am punishing her for the actions of “previous cats”? What if I stick around and after the rain she’s the one that’s meant for me? To find that ONE would be sweet as nectar, but to be taken on another ride would just make me more bitter.

I am really thinking that with all the stuff I have put up with and taken on that HE has someone special waiting for me.

I always thought (and kinda still hope) that my life would be one of those black fairytales but maybe I’m the one that needs to be saved.

PSA: Women, Don’t Be “NICE,” Tell Us the Truth

I was at work today and a co-worker asked "what do I do when I just don't want to be around someone? I just don't like him like that." The other guy in the room and myself both replied "just tell him." Her response, "No, that would be mean…he's a nice guy and I was hoping he would just get the hint."

FUCK THAT…please, just tell the dude. I feel that if one more woman gets this message the world will be a better place. But real talk, any sane respectable guy would much rather you tell him up front that you don't like him in a romantic way than for him to keep assuming that you feelin him. If you keep in contact with the dude and don't tell him otherwise, he is gonna think that you like him…at least a lil. So he is going to act as such.

The longer you wait to tell him, the madder he's gonna be when he finds out. By this point we are all grown ass men (or at least should be), and we know that rejection is a part of life and are ready to accept it. But by allowing us to continue to think that we're wanted when we're not is not doing us a favor, it's not being "nice." It's a waste of our time, money, and energy. Yes, we may be a lil upset and hurt regardless of when you reject us, but it's better to do it when u just a name and cute face than when you become…a feeling.

Of course there are other ways of letting a dude know you don't like him. You can just not answer the phone, and if he's got any sense at all he'll get the hint. But then you have to worry about what happens when you run into them later. When do you run into him, don't tell him you were gonna call but were too busy, or that you meant to call back, etc….those are those rays of hope. If ol dude really likes you then he's gonna take those rays as a hint to keep trying. BLACKEN THEM FUCKERS OUT. Leave no room for error. If you choose this method it's almost guaranteed that you all won't remain friends if you blow him off real shady like that. Better to be grown about yours. He'll have better respect for you in the end, but do what you gotta do.

In the chance that the dude is cool, and you want to be friends…no returning calls definitely aint the way to go. Just tell him, and if he's up to handling the challenge of just being friends, then so be it. Some guys and girls can be friends. But if he decides to stop calling then let him do so and just return to those "speaking in passing sort of friends." You don't want him, so don't be upset if he chooses to cut his loses and move on. That's his choice. Don't be saying he acting funny, being shady, etc. U didn't want him so don't be upset when you loose all the attention.

Taking gifts from a dude you don't like is a serious offense. If you're allowing him to wine and dine you then he's gonna assume that things are working in his favor and will expect some sort of return on his investment. Not necessarily sex, but more personal time, calls, visits, etc….but for some, yeah….they'll be lookin for some cut.  Aint no body tryin to pay for dinner and a movie for they friends. If you're taking these things he's gonna be even madder when he finds out the truth. Now, if you told the dude, in plain English that you do not want him, and he continues to spend his time and money on you….then I can't even fault you for taking them. He's just dumb like that. I've been there...and in hindsight, I've been dumb like that.

Now you CANNOT tell a dude you don't like him but continue to call everyday, flirt, etc. Those are some serious mixed signals and actions speak louder than words, so we're gonna go with what we wanna believe.

Last but not least, if you're gonna make assumptions, assume he don't want to be friends. Assume he wants to be more than that. Aint no body still tryin to make "friends" no more. I mean real friends, platonic ones. I hate when girls be like, "I aint know he wanted to talk to me, I just thought we was cool." FUCK THAT TOO…aint nobody approaching women to just be friends no more. Sometimes you end up being friends, good ones…but nine times out of ten that was not the original intent.

Disclaimer: These are not blanket explanations for everything but I hope you learned something. In fact I am sure you can think of a thousand exceptions, and excuses and that's cool too. Shit, this is mostly for entertainment so don't take everything as law. Treat each situation with your own personal judgment. The opinions expressed above are those solely of THE, but a lot of people seem to agree.

More than a Gemini (THE vs. SoulGlo)

So (isn’t it funny how all the background stories start off this way?) I was having lunch with a group of my co-works and I must have been saying some pretty off the wall stuff because the girl across the table from me stared me down and politely asked “what is your sign?” I said Gemini and she replied “oh, that explains it…you just be saying whatever you want and don’t care.” A lengthy discussion about astrology and the zodiac signs and their meanings soon followed. I commented that I really didn’t pay that stuff any attention because thought I fit some of the traits of a Gemini, many of the characteristic I don’t feel apply.

Yet, without a doubt I do encompass the twins…and I didn’t realize until we were having this conversation that I had in fact named them: THE and Soulglo. After I came to this realization I remember discussion with a friend about the switching over my MySpace from Soulglo to THE. I told her that the ideal first profile was more than humble and laid back while the new one was more arrogant and “out there.” She even commented on the fact that I was admitting that THE was an arrogant persona. Even the main pictures and chosen songs conformed to those themes.

Soulglo is very humble, reserved, soft spoken and tactful. Retrospectful. A good listener and willing to offer advice. Actually listens more than her talks. Very warm and compassionate. Respectful. Tends to be more of an observer, borders on being shy and tends to be subconscious of himself. Deep thinker. The intellectual.. Thinks more and acts less. THE is very confident and self assured. Outspoken and loud. Can take the center of attention and not car who’s watching and what they have to say. Impatient. Easily annoyed with people and will let it be known. Spontaneous. Sarcastic. Witty. Off the wall comments often taken as being mean. Damn near arrogant.

So I further researched the traits of the Gemini and found the following:

In Gemini, it is the intellect that man needs to develop in order to understand the universe. This stage is concerned primarily with information-gathering and Geminis never seem to stop collecting it. They need to express ideas and share information with others, but what they do with their information is another matter. The mature Gemini becomes a serious scholar and careful researcher. The immature Gemini turns into a gossip and the proverbial "jack-of all-trades and master of none".

Geminis readily adapt to change. They not only have a unique ability to understand what others are thinking, they also possess great cleverness for imitation. In this way they can maneuver themselves into many favorable positions. They tend to say what others want to hear instead of saying what they really think, or what they know to be the truth.

Geminis react intellectually to everything they experience in life. That is, before they take physical action, before they assess the practical worth of something, and before they sort out their true emotions, they try to analyze things objectively as a kind of mental exercise. Though it is generally not a true assessment, the intellectual orientation of Geminis can make it appear to others as though they are unfeeling or emotionally superficial.

Those born with Sun in Gemini are talkative, quick witted, and have innate curiosity about everything. Easily jumping from one subject to another, they forget that others are not so nimble. They often have to be reminded to slow down and let others catch up with what they're talking about. Though they can be secretive about their personal affairs, they love to learn about everyone else. Always wanting to know everything gives them quite a store of information which in turn, makes them more interesting to others. Add to that their cheerful, friendly dispositions, and it isn't surprising that they get along so well in the world.

Full article here: http://www.0800-horoscope.com/sunsigns/gemini.html

I still didn’t think this description fit me 100% so I did more looking and found that supposedly your personality is further controlled by your moon sign and ascendants. The moon sign controls emotional traits while the ascendant characterizes physical attributes. Being that I was born June 17, 1983 around 9am in Chattanooga, TN I learned that my moon sign is the Virgo: Studious, Adaptable, Quiet, Fault-finding, Health conscious, Curious, Salesman.

Except in the pursuit of pleasure (to which many of them can be quite dedicated) those born with the moon in an Earth sign are not emotionally spontaneous. They donÕt nonchalantly accept the responsibility of long-term relationships, or analyze emotional commitments merely as a mental exercise. They may hesitate to move at all unless they feel they are on solid ground, or there is some personal advantage to be gained by their emotional involvement.

Full article: http://www.0800-horoscope.com/moonsigns/virgo.html

While my ascendant is the leo: Craves abundance, Spendthrift, Congenial, Fun-loving, Attracts many friends.

Leo indicates energy and enthusiasm. Once motivated, they seldom hesitate to act. In spite of their energy and enthusiasm however, they can also be inclined to physical laziness. Their natural enthusiasm is responsible for overabundance and a tendency to overestimate everything. When buying various personal items, for example, they often acquire far more than they need. Though often rash and hasty, their passions are sincere.

Full article: http://www.0800-horoscope.com/risingsigns/leo.html

While talking about this at the table they made it sound like being a Gemini was just the worst, but the double nature of my sign allows me to adapt and change to the situation; allowing which ever personality best fits the task to take over. Honesty, all this put together does give a descent description of me. Or at least the person I think I am. So they’ve made me a believer….well, more of one than I was before.

Knowing when (and when not to) Give Up

My Grandmother sent me this article as an inspiration message, and I agree: Success does await you if you don't give up too soon.... but only sometimes. So how do we know when these times are?

If you really know me, you'd know that they aren't too many things in life that I want that I don't have to work for. And the things that were handed to me just didn't mean as much. I actually like to work hard, to put in work, to earn my due. In all my endeavors there have been many times where I didn't get what I was seeking and sometimes I look back and wonder "what if?"

What if I had spent a few more hours on an application? Maybe I have attended a different university, or be working full time right now. What if I hadn't decided, that as good as I was, that running track was a hobby and academics would be my selling point? Maybe I would be training for the '08 Olympics. What if I didn't give up on anything? Would I still be trying? Or would I have gotten everything I wanted.

How do you know when to give up and move on to the next challenge? No one wants to be called a quitter...but everyone has. Everyone has given up on something they really wanted. Everyone has decided that enough was enough and moved on. But everyone has had something that they were willing to keep trying…and gotten.

I really feel Grandma on this article, but the title taken out of context could be useless in the wrong hands. Each individual has to know their limits and hopefully understand what things are worth continued pursuit, and what things are wastes of time. Pick your battles…continue to fight the ones you can win. Stop wasting time on those you can’t

Before We Were Colored

I attend The University of Alabama and in many aspects our Greek systems is somewhat elite. It’s like the way we do things are just different than other Greeks on other campuses. We’re known to have elaborate probates that we charge to get into, many of are Greeks amplify the stereotype of their organization, and when we see Greeks on other campus we are sometimes in disbelief in the things that are seen and done. In other ways it seems our system is really fucked up. The same problems and negative stereotypes manifest in generation to generation in a never ending cycle.

The other day I was a NPHC event and someone suggested that we all take a unity picture of all the Greeks. A silence literally fell over the room, and then there were sounds of disgust. People returned to eating and talking and the person interested in the picture continued to encourage the unity picture. Finally people finished eating and at her persistent pushing she got people to slowly to move towards the couches. It was really sad how long it took to take the picture. What was even worse was the tension that could be felt in the room. It was really that bad. Even in the unity picture the Greeks were still separate. True there was a lil intermixing, but only between the groups that don’t have social problems anyway. A lot of people didn’t want to participate in the picture because it would be fake. I’d have to agree with that point. It would be fake, because it doesn’t truly exist across all of NPHC.

What I don’t agree with is how prophites basically brainwash there neos to dislike the groups that they dislike. It’s almost like learning how to hate is unofficial part of their process. I understand that not everyone will get along, and I’ll admit that there are people that I don’t like that happened to be Greek. But that’s just it, I don’t like them…not their organization. People tend to assume that a person and their org are one and the same, and completely forget that they are individuals.

What’s amazing that people allow their personal beef to grow into chapter beef. Wait, I don’t even think they allow it to happen, they force it to happen. They go back to their prospective org’s and talk up the situation to make it much worse than it really was and getting everyone else wound up in the process. Now org A is ready to fight org B just because someone bumped into someone else at the club or someone looked at someone funny in the Ferg. Just sad.

But we weren’t always Greek. We didn’t always act like that. Yes people were still messy, and groups still beefed, but it wasn’t the same. The groups were smaller, the beef didn’t last as long. Most people’s freshman and sophmore’s they were friends with the people in the very org’s they’re feuding with. They were friends with the same people they are ready fight with now…and probably don’t even know the real reason they’re fighting.

It’s ridiculous how letters and influence changes people. People need to learn to think for themselves. To stand on their own. To allow letter and colors to just be that…letters and colors. To act like they did before we were colored.

Back in the Days when I was Young, I'm not a Kid anymore but Some days I Wish I was a Kid Again

This past weekend a kicked it with a few friends, honestly not even some of my closet friends. Actually I just met one of them this weekend. But the fact is I had the most fun I'd had in a LONG time. It was really like back in my freshman year when all we needed was each other to entertain ourselves.

We started off  Friday night drinking, then took it to the strip for a min. From there we hit a few sets. Me and my boi's was tired of the last set we were at and decided to head to the Legacy (aka the Venue). One the chics we was with was poutin cause she aint wanna go. We was like cool, do your thing, but the girl she road with wanted to follow us. She walked in the door with a stank look on her face but as soon as we made it upstairs her whole face lit up. We all danced, drank, and had a great time. Afterwards we went to IHOP and laughed and talked..finally made it to bed by 5.

The next night nothing was going on so we chilled at my spot watching T.V., but that soon evolved into playing thinking and drinkin games. I mean the four of us had a ball. We decided to go rent a movie but realized blockbuster was closed so we ended up at the park. Four grown ass people in the park playin dodge ball and monkey in the middle. The cops ruined that moment but we wnet back and kept playin games till about 2 or 3. I had a great weekend.

It all reminded me of my freshman year in paty when no one had cars and we would spend all night talkin and laughin about nothing. When we would walk 15 deep to burke for dinner. When we played kick ball on the quad. When we had water fights at rose. I hate that all those are just memories. I miss those days.

Semester's Over

The semester is officially over, I am officially a 2^nd year graduate student and life is really good. Though not extremely exciting. This has been the most boring semester of my entire life.

I only took one class in the hopes that my research would pick up. It didn’t. I kept running into dead ends. Well, not dead ends…put more problems than we were expecting and we didn’t have the money to alleviate the problems. Hopefully after the summer I will have the equipment to complete my research so I can defend my thesis and get the hell on with my life. Not that I have anything against UA or Tuscaloosa…I’m just ready to move on. UA is no longer MY UA.

Back to the boring semester: I was sitting in on another class to get some background on my research but I didn’t have to study or take tests, so after my 2 classes, no homework, and no research I would go home, lay on my couch and watch TV…for hours. It was sad. I continued my workout plan from the Fall (got a lil more defined), but other than that I was really bored. So finally I decided I hated being a bum and got a job at night at the CTL as a tutor and bought a new video game to play on my free time.

So I guess the most interesting thing that happened to me this semester is the bad hair cut I got a while ago. It was refereed to as the “broken bowl” or the “monk” cut. Of course I got clowned on for 2 weeks straight but I got thick skin and took the jokes in stride and maintained my composure. So I let the hair grow out and rocked the mini fro for a sec but I had to cut it off for a visit to a research lab, plus I couldn’t have that look goin back to my intern this summer. Keeping up a fro is a lil too much for corporate America.

So I am a lil excited about my intern. I am goin back to Ford but I am looking forward to the change of scenery. Going back to nice weather and friends I made last summer. Since it’s a few of us returning from last year we’ll probably start kicking it from day one. My job will be cool too, they got me working on components for Ford’s V6 engine. Only bad thing is that they got me workin in a damn factory. It’s cool tho, with what they’re paying me I can’t be too mad.

I lucked up with my housing situation for the summer tho. A friend of mine that is leaving for the summer is letting me house sit her place for cheap…which works out perfect since I have to pay on my rent here in Tuscaloosa.

So that’s about all that went on this semester…at least that’s meant for the world to know about it.

It's OK to Lie

I was talking to a good friend of mine today somehow the conversation turned to the dude she was talking to. We got on the subject of how he had lied to her several times and I was excited that he was doing all this blatant lying and she was still talking to him. She said that she was taught that men and women are just going to lie about certain things and to just accept that. I was thinking “shit, serious? Now I know I’mma start lying. Probably cheat too, so go ahead and be ready for it.

I mean, when I meet the girl I’m going to lie and tell her I aint talking to no one else. That way she’s going to think she’s the only one in my world and then she feels real secure. I’m gonna tell her I aint got no kids too. Shit, that baby look like me but I aint seen no test results yet, so I don’t feel I need to tell no one about lil Jerome. If my baby mommy start blocking I’ll just tell ol girl that she some crazy heifer that be stalking me.

And then when we dating and she ask where I was all I gotta do is tell her I was wit my boys. I know they’ll cover for me. They always got my back. The skank I’ll be wit don’t know her no way. So there aint no way my girl could find out I’ve been sleeping around. I keep my phone locked so she caint see my texts and calls. See, I’m slick wit my shit. UN-MOTHERFUCKING-STOPPABLE. I be telling all these girls I got tested too, they like that shit. Make ‘em feel all safe and protected, then slip that head in and it’s a WRAP. Real talk tho, I’m too damn scared to go up in that clinic. Shit, if I got some shit I don’t wanna know. I’mma just keep spreading that shit around. Someone gave it to me so I’mma fuck someone else day up too.

You know what though, I don’t even feel bad about lying to these hoes because they lying to me too. I don’t believe nothing these bitches be saying. They just want some dick and some bread anyway. As long as they get that shit they happy. And as long as they happy they need to stay out my shit.

Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in The Cafeteria: Part one, The Emissary

I've been spending too much time on this blog and I just got tired of it. It's not finished so if it's sounds a lil confusing and choppy you know why...was having a hard time gettin all my thoughts out cohesively without being too long winded.

I have been reading this book for about a week an a half and it is quite interesting and I can relate to most of what Dr. Tatum comments on. So far she has defined racism, discussed the complexity of defining your identity and gave her view on being black on a white canvas. It’s a great read but if I talked about every topic she touches on I would be writing my own book. The single topic so far that caught my attention is in the chapter on identity development in adolescence where she defines an emissary.

This chapter has the subtle of the title of the book and for good reason. She describes how as a child we learn to associate certain things with being White and other things with being Black. Unfortunately most of the Black images are negative: in a stereotypical working class urban sitting one may see the school drop out, teenage welfare mother, drug addict, etc while in an upper class sitting we may not see those things, but what is seen is that the majority of those who are “making it” are not like us.

Then there are the teachers and classmates who make the subtle comments that they may not realize are offensive yet subconsciously mis-define race roles (there shouldn’t be any definition). Like when I was little and the teacher asked how come I wanted to read instead of play basketball, or when non-Blacks refer to everything low class as ghetto, or when my boss this summer asked me if I had rims on my car.  Just today there was a group of us working on a cross word and one of the clues was “an equal opportunity agency” and one of the girls looked at me and said “come on, you should know this.” I remember when I was in middle school I thought I was darker than I am because this girl used to always compare my skin tone to the black strap on her lunch box (but now I proudly wear a black wrist band on either arm). All of these things mis-educate the black youth on their place and perception in society.

I also remember other things being associated with being Black: being late, broke, loud, and stupid, but of course we could dance, play sports, and steal. Unfortunately these stereotypes of Black Americans do not include academic achievement. In fact I know that as a child it was not “cool” to be smart. Coming from a majority black elementary school to a middle and high school were “magnet” students and “traditional” students often crossed paths, I soon came to think that intelligence was a curse, and others looked down upon it because “we thought we were better than them.” Most times the tension between the two groups was not caused by the students, but by the pure fact we were purposely divided. And even within my own class I learned to keep my grades low key for fear of social backlash. Everyone hated the kid that ruined the curve or did better than average on the test.

Dr. Tatum offers two general responses that the intelligent Black does to cope with his academic success in a white sitting: either he becomes “raceless” where he downplays being Black in order to be accepted by his White peers or he embraces his culture and becomes an emissary, “someone who sees his own achievements as advancing the cause of a racial group.”

Even though I learned to downplay my academic achievements, I felt, and still feel, like the latter. From elementary school where I was one of the few blacks on the mental math team, to Jr High where I was one of the few in the advanced math classes, to high school graduation where I was the salutatorian I felt that my success was the success of my race. I felt that I was not only representing myself, but all Blacks. In turn, my failure would mean letting a lot of people down and I’d just be another Black that didn’t measure up. Sitting side-by-side with my White peers I always thought it was important that they saw that Blacks were just as cable as anyone else to do the same work and succeed at the same tasks.  Sitting with my Black peers I felt it was important to see that someone like them could do the things I’d done…..

Confessions of a Video Vixen

After reading this book my first reaction was that “she a recovering stupid hoe,” but at least she recovering. She spent her entire “professional” career basically sleeping with men for money and objects. Ironically this is no different from a lot of what goes on everywhere; she just did it on a larger scale. From what people told me about the book before I read it, I thought the entire book was about what famous people she slept with in the music industry, but it had a little be more than that.

The story starts in her childhood where she has a horrible relationship with her family and an even worse relationship with her mom. But quietly it was her best friend which indirectly accelerated the downward spiral. She convinced Karrine’s mom to allow her to go to the mall (which she had never been allowed to do before). Well, old girl lies to Karrine’s mom and has some boys pick them up form the mall. Long story short, Karrine gets raped, mom doesn’t believe her, and she runs away and starts stripping to support herself.

I wasn’t surprised to see that there were tragic and traumatic experiences that contributed to her adult behavior. She got caught in a cycle of needing to be needed, to feel important and wanted. She fulfilled this need through men and sex. To me, it was this cycle she was willing to repeatedly sell herself short. Not that her past makes her actions ok, but it kind of explains it. It was really messed up that everyone wanted to give her money and things when she was on a high, but when she really needed it most everyone turned their back. Not that her past makes her actions ok, but it kind of explains it.

Something I did find interesting was about the feature girls and the artists on the video sets. My understanding of what she wrote, most feature girls for larger videos were hired for the video through some sort of model/actress agency. In fact, the main girls were said to only interact with the artist during a shot, and looked down on them in general for the way they treated/portrayed women. She states that the other girls despised Karrine because not only was she too friendly with the artist, she was willing to wear and do things the other girls refused to do. She wasn’t professional.

With the ongoing debate about hip-hop and it’s portrayal on women, I think that those sections of the book send a good message to aspiring models/actresses, a message that sex is not the only way to make it big in the industry. But still the video’s image of women does play a major role in how we treat them in everyday life and how our sisters and daughters grow up. Not everyone has been informed that those images are just that, images. Men find it ok to disrespect our women and women are brain washed to believe it’s not disrespect; and we’re both contributing to the black community’s plague.

Against All Odds

According to my parents I was born with my legs turned a bit awkward at the knees. They problem was corrected before even I can remember so if never really affected my life. But what if it hadn't? What if it progressed as I grew up? I wonder how that would have shaped who I became. I wonder would I have been strong enough to face that and achieve all that I had achieved. Of course I want to say that I would have, but it's impossible to know.

About two weeks ago another student passed. His name was Justin Clark and he was student in the IE department at the University. What made this guy stand out is that is has had muscular dystrophy since birth and is confined to a wheelchair. Despite this he was in college and went hunting. Something most people would find near impossible for someone in his state. The few conversations I had with him were like that of any other student. He made jokes, got cracked on, etc. I was amazed at the things people would say to him because I thought they would have been a bit harsh. But they talked to him like they talked to anyone else. He was succeeding in being as normal as possible until he died from pneumonia.

Last week there was a forum held to hear Nathan Ballad speak on campus. At first I didn't know who this was, but once I heard the description "that black guy that be in the Ferg in the wheelchair," I knew exactly who they were talking about. I was surprised to hear that he had several degrees, speaks a few languages, and travels the world. He has been a major force in implementation of disability legislation. Ok, maybe I bit more than surprised, maybe shocked and amazed is better. Honestly, like most people, I thought he was mentally retarded. I'd heard him talk and seen him eat. I had drawn my conclusion without a second thought, and apparently I wasn't the only person who thought he was challenged. It's rumored that the University put him out several times thinking the same thing.

So I look at both theses men who were accomplishing so much despite there major setbacks and I look at all the people who are fully capable but not doing half as much. A lot of things we take for granted on a daily basis. The ability to walk, feed yourself, cloth yourself, etc. Neither of them could do anything of these things but still strived for excellence. Finally, I wonder about myself. If my problem had progressed, would I have had the strength to fight through my disability and take the stares and comments and still succeed? Would you?

Random Thoughts

It’s been a min since I’ve blogged so there are a much of random, yet somewhat related thoughts. I’mma try to keep in one to a paragraph, but we’ll see how that goes.

I was talking to the Sperm Lady a while ago and she was explaining to me why a Joe Bob that aint really doing nothing with his life is more likely to get laid than a well qualified good man. This was her reasoning: If things get messed up with Joe Bob, it’s no big deal. He wasn’t really worth nothing to begin with so if things go south it’s really no sweat off her back and she probably wasn’t emotionally attached anyway. Now with Mr. Good she’s got to be a little bit more careful. Got to play things out right. Got to worry about not messing up a good thing. I had to agree. She said with them she sees next mouth, with a dude like me she sees longevity, marriage potential. Her reasoning makes sence and in fact I think I have played by the rules as well. I am much more likely to have a short attention span and get annoyed with someone I know I don’t see a future with. And on the other hand I’ll put up with a lot more from someone I think is worth the effort. But what happens when the plan back fires and we get attached to someone who was only supposed to be a Miss Right now? (Next topic)

I was reading a friends blog and she was saying how the reason the divorce rate is so high that people are getting the Now’s confused with Right’s. Got to agree with her too. I have had to put myself in check a few times about this. Been people I was talking to and when the fun came to an end I started to try to fight the “breakup.” (for lack of a better word when two people stop talking) Then after a lot of thought I again came to the conclusion that they were not meant to remain in my life. They were not what I was looking for in a mate and a continued relationship with them was simply a waste of time. I wrote a piece called “To My Better Whole” which basically describes what I want but have yet to find. In the absence of this likely mythical woman I have been dating and talking to these “halves” that have been taking up my time and emotion, while the “wholes” that I have came across brush me off. In fact 2/3 of the last few girls (halves and wholes) I really wanted are now engaged. (Next topic)

Yeah engaged. When I look back and think how attached I was back then and realize how non-attached I am now it is almost amazing. And it’s funny to wonder that if I had stuck it out instead of giving up on the situation could/would that have been me on bended knee. Wow, scary to think about but daily I think about it more and more. I see people and their children and think “I’m going to be a dad one day.” I see all the people I know getting in serious relationships, getting engaged, and getting married, and think that “I’m going to actually be in love with someone to the point where I am going to be ready to spend the rest of my life when them.” But yeah, it’s still scary. School is getting old, dating is starting to get old too… not to long before I’m ready to move on. The most ironic thing is that both girls are engaged to the very next person (at least to my knowledge) that they were seriously talking to, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m 3/3 within the next year and a half to 2 years. Talk about a curse.

So I was having dinner with a  few friends the other day. 2 guys/ 2 girls so of course we got on the topic of relationships. Out of a the random comments, questions, and excuses for why each sex does different things I posed the question: “When is it time to get into a relationship? When u like, love, or in love with the other person?” (Before I continue I think I need to clarify some terminology. I think “like” to most people is what I call interested. Meaning I think their cool and worth getting to know better.  I guess a “strong like” would be what I refer to as just liking someone and the last two are the same in either case.) All three people responded that they get in when they are at the “like” stage. And then the love and being in love would hopefully follow. That’s odd to me. I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone I was only interested in. I need to see what they’re about, know that this is someone I could stand and possibly marry. I mean I got to like them enough to want to give up all the unknown possibilities that are out there. Otherwise my eyes would still be wondering while in the relationship. Hmm, maybe this is why I’ve only have 3 girlfriends. Oh well, I’m not giving you that title if I don’t think (at least at the moment) that you’ll go the distance.

Another topic we hit was cheating. I was dumbfounded to hear that one of the chics would rather not know if her man cheated on her. Her reasoning was that if it was a one time thing, an accident and he was sorry and didn’t intend on doing it again she doesn’t want to know because that is going to ruin the relationship for her. True, good point. But what if it still makes its way back to her. Would she not be more upset that he cheated and lied? Double edged sword. He/she might possibly get away with it if they don’t tell. But if they don’t tell and get caught it’s even worth. Sounds to me like we’re all better off not cheating? I think about a day later I asked someone else. They said they’d want to know. At least then she has the confidence in her man to admit his wrongs and try to work through them. Hmm, I see her point too. Hopefully I hope I never have to deal with a cheating girlfriend.

You ever woke up and just had a frown for no reason? I had one this morning but I was sitting in church and it slowly faded. I was pleased. I have been a church every Sunday this year. Trying to get myself together and with all the people dying from everything under the sun I think it’s best that I do so. I have been praying. Praying that I can forgive the people who have wronged me, that the people I have wrong will forgive me, that I will have strength to deal with the things that come my way. I believe that these things are what make us who were are (next topic).

All the things that I have been through and all that I have learned to control and deal with have shaped who I am today. I’ve been teased, talked about, rejected, done wrong, lied on, ostracized, abused, misused, taken advantage of, and managed to take all of this in stride. Without any real type if retaliation. It’s said that you won’t be given more than you can handle that that what does not kill you makes you stronger. If both these statements are true then I have handled a lot to the point where I don’t think I’d handle too much more, and I have become a strong person. But why? All of this most have a purpose; kind of seems like it should be training for some greater good. And if that’s the case then I must have something serious lying ahead of me.

Chapter 4: Love

Love is…

            Uncontrollable, unexplainable, and sometimes unobtainable

            And once you it it, can prove to be unsustainable.

            Unimaginable if you not in it, and

Indescribable when u find it, but

            Worth living for when you find the one, yet

            Suicidal when you find you love’s undone.

Love is…

            Blind, sometimes hard to find

Playing psychological tricks on the brightest minds

A million chemical reactions within your brain, but

Enough to drive a crazy man sane, and

Hard to let go of, hard to command,

Hard to make work, hardest to understand

Love…

            Hurts, yet can heal with time,

            Grows, yet can fade with time,

Is not an action, person, place, or thing,

Is just a fraction of the stuff that makes the caged bird sing

Is unexpected, sometimes misdirected

Is unconditional, but hates to be rejected.

Love…

            Was, and will be, but most importantly

           

Love is

Life is Short

Life is short, and I don't mean in the "if I live to be 83 that's nothing in comparison to the vastness of endless time" sense. I mean in the "you or I could die tomorrow" sense.

Another former UA student died. From what I heard she busted a blood vessel in her brain 2-3 weeks ago and then had blood clot that took her life. Again, this was someone I knew. Someone I had even sat down had random conversations wit and now she's gone.

There has been A LOT of deaths this past year and then with all the crazy stuff going on in the world (natural and unnatural disasters) there's no telling who we'll be morning over next. With all of this going on I am amazed at the petty things that people hold on to and fight about. Let that shit go. I did.

A friend of mine came into town this weekend, and apparently we not on the best of terms so I kept my distance most the weekend. Out of sight-out of mind, and I didn't really have the time or energy to be sucked into any drama. I'm sure that her and her friends ran my name through the mud all weekend and found every possible reason to blame everything that's happened on me—I don't care. And I'm sure they called me every name they could possibly think of—I don't care. And I'm sure they all thought that I finally came because I just couldn't stay away—I don't care. If that makes it easier for them to sleep at night then go right ahead.

I know she didn't want to see me and even though my opinions, thoughts, and feelings about her have changed over the last few weeks I stilled needed to see her. Not because I miss her, or I need her--No. I needed to because if something happened (God forbid) to her I would be crushed and never forgive myself. Some things you just got to do for yourself, and you got to do them now becuase tomorrow may be too late.

No Effort List

So I have been hanging with some old friends from Jr High recently (funny how things come full circle, but that’s a whole other blog). We were having lunch a few days ago and my boy was talking about how he had to put this chic on the “no effort list.” I didn’t understand, so I asked him to explain. He was like after the 2^nd date if he hasn’t gotten any play he puts the chic on the list. This means he isn’t going out of his way to call, see, and try to cutt with the girl. He said the only way he’d hit if he was in the area and she called saying she was butt naked ready to cutt. I was like “wow.”

Now, I think I have a similar system. Once I reach the point where I feel that a girl “aint talking about shit,” or that I am putting in too much effort for the results I’m getting. I’ll stop calling, texting, etc. Definitely won’t go out of my way to take her out or see her. And it’s not that I may not be feeling her, but if she isn’t going to reciprocate why I got to be doing all the work?

I’m not a mean person. If they call I’ll answer. I’ll reply to a text or email. And maybe from that we’ll get back to some level of something. Hopefully better than where we were before, but if I stopped calling/texting and I hadn’t heard from them I’ll just as soon she isn’t feeling me anyway.

Now, min effort might mean that I randomly text time to time, FB, etc…and probably only if I’m bored with nothing to do. Basically, I’ve gotten to the point where I feel that any effort is wasted time on my part.

Moral of the story: Girls/Guys, if you haven’t heard from someone in a while, but you haven’t bother to check up on them maybe you sealing your own grave. They just may have put you on the “no effort list.”

In Dem Genes

A friend of mind has been recently joking (I hope) about how she going to just have enough sex with me to have my kids, then let me do as I please. And she’s cool with that because if I leave her she just going to take all my money in child support and alimony. I told her that wasn’t going to happen. She said good, cause if I let it happen I’d be a loser anyway. I agreed and concluded that I had nothing to worry about.

I was watching an interesting episode of Law and Order: SVU where this lady was drugging men, using an electric probe to force ejectculation, and steal the sperm. These men were world class athletes, musicians, doctors, etc. Basically they were the “cream of the crop” in all areas of life. She took the sperm and gave it to the sperm back she worked at. Women were buying it at 200, 000 a hit.

This got me thinking. When I look at women I think about whether I think they going to be fat, how attractive they are, their athletic build, intelligence, etc. I always look at these things in respect to my personal tastes, never with respect to offspring. Maybe I should start thinking about my future looking for my mate on the basis of her genes. So we can create some super genius athletes. Back in HS my friends used to joke about how me and a few of the female track girls should reproduce so we can have some instant Olympic hopefuls.

I think I got pretty good genes (not worth 200, 000….. maybe just half that). I am one of 5 kids. We are all intelligent, in good health, and artistic. And we all have dominating personalities and are destined for great things.

The show also hit on the fact the science is getting to the point where people can have children “made to order,” specifying everything from sex, hair color, eye color, height, etc. What if that can to pass? Wouldn’t that create an even larger riff between the haves and have-nots? Between the enhanced and the normal people? If you knew that there were people literally breed to be smarter, faster, and just better than you wouldn’t that be a little bit discouraging?