You Just Know

I was having one of talks with a friend of mine. This is new scenario: she met this dude this is interested in making her is girlfriend, but she doesn't like him in that way. She admits that he is a good dude and there is no reason she shouldn't like him, but she doesn't. It's almost like she has tried to force herself to like him and it hasn't worked. So now it's to the point where she has pretty much been punked into a relationship with this guy, and as soon as she told me about it my response was "You don't even like this man." And now she has to tell all her other "friends" to back off, etc.

Her question to me was "why don't I like this guy? And when will I know when I like someone enough?" I told her I don't know.

I mean, why do we like the people we like? And why don't we like the people that we should? I could name scenario after scenario of couples that would have made sense but never happened. Shit, I can name a hand full of girls that would make good girlfriends, but I don't like on that level, at least not yet… and I can name a time when I was ready to give a title to someone that doesn't even fit my type.

So we continued our conversation a while longer and the only real answer I could give her was that "you just know." It takes me a while to get to the point that I want to make someone my girl but with every girl I was interested in enough to be exclusive with there was a gradual progression to the point where I was willing and ready to give up everyone else I was talking to for them. I was willing to give them the world and want noting in return. They didn't have to ask me to do it. It wasn't even a conscious effort. It was like as I gained interest in her, I lost interest in everyone else.

The people I really like become an idea, a feeling. When I think of them I don't picture there face, or how they look naked, or how good the sex was… it's a feeling I get when I think of them throughout the day. My heart gets heavy when I think about the next time I'll see them. 

You can't make yourself like someone. You can spend time with them, tell them u love them, buy them things, have sex with them, have sex with them, etc…but at the end of the day, it happens or it doesn't. And when it does, you just know.

Another Weird Dream

This time I was in one of the engineering buildings on my way to class but the way was blocked because of some construction. It was like they were tearing up the stairs to use the space under them for storage. But any, the walkway was blocked so I had to try to maneuver my way through it. I was at the other end when I bumped into this tall wobbly thing that started to lean when I hit it. So I had to grad it so it didn't fall into anything and other people rushed over to help.

After that I continue on the other side of the building but I guess class is cancelled because I start thinking I need to go back to the other side of the building. I can't go the way I came since I just made a fool of myself. So I proceed to walk up some sketchy stairs and when I get to the top the bridge (why a bridge and not a floor? I have no clue.) is missing panels in the bottom and all these people (some of which I know, but hadn't seen in forever) rush over to tell me that I can't walk across the bridge because the university will sue. So I come down and still can't get back.

I'm talking with the people about how I am going to get back and two of the professors come out and talk about how the got through the building, but that I can't do that because I don't know what I'm doing. At this point I remember thinking "why don't I just walk outside, and walk back in on that side of the building?" I must have taken my own advice because the next thing I know I am outside in front of the frat house but I am missing my book bag and all these kids are outside to take school photos or something.

So I am looking for the bag and one group of kids and another comes and I realize the pile of stuff near the stairs is not their book bags as I had thought before. It is ALL my shit!!! I mean book bag (with all the contents emptied out), keys, clothes, and the whole nine… So, at this point I am missed and wanna fight. I turn around and there is this hockey team in full uniforms behind me…we start fighting…but there are using their hockey stick and I am like a 3^rd degree black belt. I mean we go at it like a scene from Power Rangers… the end.

Weird Dream

I rarely dream...well, I rarely remember them.

So it's morning time and I am running late for class, a literature class at that (which I hadn't taken since high school.)  I was late because I could decide what to wear (odd) and I didn't care about being late because I was just sitting in the class and I didn't like the book. (So why was I in the class in the first place?) So this outfit I was tryin to figure out. Get this. It was a red, turquoise, and yellow shirt and some silver shoes with yellow and turquoise in them and I was tryin to decide whether I should wear jeans with or without a read stripe.

I had on the ones with the stripe and my mom said I should wear the other ones. She was like "let's go to the movies" so I just took the pants wit me and we went to the theater. We are sitting in the movies and random friends that I hadn't talked to in a min start blowing up my phone and I remember thinking "how is their name showing up, I lost all the numbers out of my old phone?" So I am sitting in the theater and decide to change my jeans. As I am pulling up the new jeans this man next to me (I am sitting on the end, he is right next to me, don't know where mom is) drops these two key rings on the floor. I reach out in the aisle (pants half up my thigh) and pick up the key rings, so of course I hear snickers from people seeing me bent over wit my pants down (weird). I had the man his stuff and he drops one of them again….I leave that shit down there.

So I am not really paying attention to the movie and then the lights come on and lil kids are running all over the place screaming. I decide this is a good opportunity to get free movie passes since this one got ruined. Somehow I communicate this to mom (telepathy maybe?) and I walk out the theater. I walk pass the counter and the line is too long so I look for mom then remember I left my jeans in my seat. I walk back in to get them and one my frat brothers is at the seat looking at the jeans. He asks me "you just get finish fucking?"

"Hell no."

"Why not?" – typical response from this dude.

I go back out to find mom, but I can't…the end.

Losing Hope

I am in college, so I have seen and heard about more than my fair share of lying, cheating, sleeping around, backstabbing – deception in general. But as long as I can remember there have been a select few women that kept my hope alive. I mean these girls are beautiful, intelligent, well spoken, well rounded and I thought faithful to their boyfriends. I mean these girls were nearly ideal in my opinion.

As a general rule, I try not to talk to females in relationships. It's a lose-lose situation in the long run. Either we kick it and I start liking them but "they got a man" or they start liking me back – and that's gonna lead to cheating. So from that point on I'd have a lil distrust for them. I mean if they cheated with me when they had a man, if we were to start something, I'd always wonder if they were cheating on me with the next dude. It would take A LOT for me to take them serious. So on top of the regular repercussions, talking to one of these "hope girls" would just RUIN the image… so I never even tried.

Here's the sad part: In recent months, more and more of this image has been shattered. I had hoped among all the cheating, sleeping around, and deception that they were a few that had some good sense. They gave me hope that when I FINALLY decided to be in a relationship that I could have a girl on this level and not have to worry about what they were doing. I mean I could actually TRUST her. But here I come to find out that some of these girls are cheating TOO. I know you can't believe everything you hear, but I got some pretty compelling evidence. Alas, I guess everyone's cheating and some people are just better at hiding it.

And where are the friends of these people when they cheating? Because I am sure that someone besides the cheaters knows what's going on. Are the friends like, "go ahead and get that on the side" or "you need to stop before you get caught"? If they pushing you to cheat, are they gonna be there to comfort you when you fuck up a good thing?

But shit, it's so common place to cheat, get caught, and "work it out" that it probably doesn't even matter. People just assume that's part of a relationship these days.

Maybe I'll just stay single, at least then I can just ASSUME they're with someone else when they're not with me. Easier on the heart… no guess work.

Knowing...

Contrary to the popular belief that "ignorance is bliss" I have to say knowing is beautiful.

So I FINALLY went and got my results of the STD test I took like 3 weeks ago. Part of the reason I aint gotten it before was lack of time…. But fear of knowing was a factor as well. I was talking to a friend of mine about the situation and she insisted that I had nothing to worry about. True, I have never had unprotected sex; true I hadn't been with any high risk partners, and NO, I don't use drugs or share needles. But I was as worried as anyone else would be.

At the beginning of the semester there had been a lot of forums and discussions on STD's and HIV's and the stats were alarming. Yeah, condoms are highly effective at protecting most STD's a pregnancy. Here are some stats I found off of a GA Tech website:

Statistics

The following statistics are from the fact sheet "The Truth About Latex Condoms," developed by the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the U.S. (SIECUS).

1. Condoms are 98% effective when used correctly.

2. The average failure rate for condoms is 12%: reflective of people who do not use them properly or do not use them every time they have intercourse.

3. Laboratory tests show that neither sperm, which has a diameter of 3 microns, nor STD-causing organisms, which are a quarter to a ninth the size of sperm, can penetrate an intact latex condom.

4. If there is a leak in more than 4 per 1,000 condoms, the entire lot (approximately 5,000) is discarded.

OK, so if I have protected sex 100 times with a person that has an STD, does that mean I should get it twice? I don't know about ya'll but that 2% is enough reason for me to worry. Do you realize how much your life will (should) change if u found out u had HIV? Not to mention all the skin-to-skin STD's. Condoms are only 27% effective for those. And ORAL SEX? Who uses a condom for that?

So yes…I had a decreased chance of catching something but I still HAD reason to worry. Not that I didn't trust my partners…I don't trust who they been with. So, like I said knowing is beautiful, and I know that I am STD free.

50 Guys / 50 Girls

Woke up this morning, wide eyed to the world,

And the 1^st thought that hit me was 50 guys and 50 girls.

100 virtuous souls for Zion’s New seed,

Only because we neglected to take heed

Back in the day when they discovered global warming

And now cities drown because ice caps stop forming.

Massive winds, heavy rain ransacked NO

Made a huge muddy puddle of a city already 6 feet below

Hurricane Katrina damn new killed the whole South,

And all politicians did was run their mouth

About whose fault it was that the poor blacks were still there

And discuss that Kanye said that Bush didn’t care.

1 gaint wave and no warning alarm

Laid waster to poor India people and ruined their farms

All the world just sat back and took a look

Like this was some shit from a fictional story book.

It’s hot outside and we all complain

About sweltering heat and heavy rain

Hot today and cold the day before

All uncomfortable because of what we wore.

We look to weather man like “man, what’s up?’

And what he won’t tell you is that the earth is FUCKED UP

Mother Nature is feed up with all the lil kids

And finally punishing us for all that we did

Smoked up the air and polluted the sea

Thought we could take all we wanted from her for free.

Burn the oil, the gas, and black coal

And now for payment she takes poor souls.

Woke up this morning, before the sun hit my eye

1^st thought I had, 50 girls and 50 guys.

100 pure souls for Zion’s 1^st breath

Because humanity now mass produces death.

In 2001, 11^th day of September,

I sat on my bed and I remember

Thinking they’ve gotten tired of being pushed around

Because now they’ve brought death and destruction on our ground

Several trouble souls took over the air

And told 100 unlucky passengers that they didn’t care

That they had families: children, husbands and wives

And that they would soon take his, theirs and 1000 other lives.

They made an old man’s predictions come all too true

Smoke, fire, and blood on a canvas sky blue.

A war we’re fighting and noone knows why

But everyday more American soldiers will die

For a cause they may, or may not believe in.

Just so W’s friends can count the dividends

Off of Mother Earth’s crude oil vein

But Bush continues to say the same

Old story about they’re there for democracy

And expects us to believe the hypocrisy

We all know it’s the root of all evil

That keeps your mind acting all feeble

To believe that we would be the only ones

With that nuclear sort of gun

Who the fuck cares if they tested a war head?

After the first one is launched, we’ll all be soon dead.

If they fire first and we fire back

The smoke and radiation will turn the sky black

So the sun will cease and comes the acid rain

And we’ll all witness the break down of the food chain

As death and destruction take over the earth

We’ll all wonder was it really worth

The cost of our lives for some petty fight

Over who’s guns bigger and who’s idea is right.

Woke up this morning, 1^st thought I gave

Was about 100 lives for the world to save

50 guys/50 girls for Zion’s fresh start

Culturally responsible and versed in the arts

Blessed with the knowledge to start the world anew

To repopulate to planet from just those few

Free from corruption, destruction and deadly disease

Create a near perfect society with near perfect ease

And learn from this worlds constant mistakes

And I hope that the next round we will make

Better choices for our sons and daughters

To prevent more innocent lives from the slaughter

Until that day, we’ll wait for the end

As life after life pays for his father’s sin

And when it’s time for us to start a new world,

I send all my hope with 50 guys and 50 girls.

Chapter 2: Like

I like you…

Rarely said, so when I do, you know it’s true.

More than just interest in getting to know you,

More than you’re cute, with a nice shape and I like your face.

More like dinner, movie, and back to your place.

When people ask it’s not “we just kicking it, she’s real cool.”

Because I got 100 bois who wouild love their shot at you.

No…. I like you.

I’ve taken the time to get to know you, for you to get to know me

Heart beats faster when you’re close with thought of what might be

Nervous to know what each day will bring,

Will it last a day, a month and past the naked season of the spring.

Enjoying the process, not concerned with the end

The fun of the chase, the courtship, of becoming closer friends

Now before I like you, you were just some other chic

Someone to call, have lunch, and maybe kick it wit

Didn’t care who you were with, or what you was doing

Let alone who was on your team, and who you was screwing

Yet the fact is we probably talked about it, so I already knew

So at least we’re entering this thing with all the secrets in plain view.

So now it’s time to make a choice

Will we listen to our hearts and ignore the voice

That says “why limit yourself, there’s 1000 others,

It’s easy and fun to jump from one them to another.”

Or continue to hide from facing the fact

That this is more than a fling, more than an act.

Come on, admit it, you like me too.

Seen you thinking it, and almost said it more times than a few.

I’mma keep it real, there’s no turning around

Either we move this thing forward or I’ve got both feet stuck in the ground

Because once I’ve put my feeling up on the wall

Without your co-sign I’ll stop the visits, the dates and the calls

I can’t do that kind of torture to myself,

Knowing you’re here with me, waiting on someone else.

So go ahead and put this to an end,

We’ll go back to those “speaking in passing” sort of friends

I know it may seem mean, but that is what sane people do,

When they finally get to the point of actually liking you.