Part 2B. How Not to Suck at... Decisions (in Relationships)

B.                 … In Relationships

Unfortunately sometimes, we don’t get to decide who our family is. We were born into them, and … unless you’re a Huxable, all the family drama that comes with it. We didn’t get a choice in matter. Yet, we do get to decide how we interact with them. And for the friends and lovers… you really do get to decide who these people are. We have got to realize that allot of these relationships are totally within your control!

So if the relationship sucks, then you have already realized that a change is needed. Stop dealing with folks on their terms. Cut them off. Leave. Stop allowing them to kill your mood and suck the life out of you. Stop saying what you should do about the situation and DO IT. Every day you put it off is another day you could have closer to having peace of mind.

Getting to that future peace means we must stop living in the past. Just because things used to be good doesn’t mean that they ever will be again.  Yeah, they didn’t used to treat you like that… but guess what. They do now. Whatever it was they are doing…. They are doing to you because you allow it. Stop taking that shit. Give them a time or two to straighten up. (I said 1 or 2…not 87). You deserve better. Got to stop letting family, friends and lovers kill your vibe.

You must decide that that you can make the change. Yeah, it may mean pissing off some family and losing some friends – but your sanity is worth it. It’s a good chance that while you’re bothered over a situation, they aren’t even thinking about you or what they did. I don’t want to be a grumpy old man looking back on my life, frustrated and pissed about all the people who did me wrong. Do something now while you can. Time waits for no man.

Realize that you are worth it. You deserve better. Make better choices – in how and who we interact with. Change your habits and focus on what’s really important to you. I’m not saying this is going to be easy. In fact, it’s probably going to suck at first. It will be cold. It will be hard. But guess what … It will be worth it.

For the ones talking about the lovers – As yourself “Is this the relationship I want?” You’re in a comfortable relationship but it’s not what you want? GET OUT. There is something better out there for you. You’ll begin to resent them…for being them. But you’re the one that continues to stay – you can’t play the victim. I can understand that you don’t want to start over but every day you stay is a day lost for something better.

The decisions we make each day will be the difference in a decent life and the life we want. They alter the course of our lives and good different choices will make us uncomfortable in the short run... but better overall. Kids, marriage, jobs, location, your standards, traveling, education – these are all decisions within our control. I’m not saying they will be easy decisions… I’m just saying they are ones we can make.

Part 2A. How Not to Suck at... Decisions (in Life)

Everyday we’re faced with a series of decisions. Most of them so small that we don’t even notice we’re making them: what to wear, what to eat, hitting the snooze button for the 8^th time, responding to a text, or ignoring a call. Then there are the big ones: do I take the job? Should I buy the car? Do I ask her to marry me? Do I make an offer on the house? Am I ready for a baby? These are all decisions and even the small ones can have a huge impact on our lives.

And don’t forget that even in your non-decisions you are deciding! When given an opportunity to make a choice, replying with “I don’t know” or “I don’t care” is the same handing someone your power. Even worse, not deciding is deciding. You are choosing to allow life to happen to you!

A.                 … in life

It’s natural for us to resist change. We probably are where we are because it’s comfortable. Been on the same job, doing the same thing for years. Change is different. It’s scary. It’s new. It will take us out of that warm place we’re familiar with and make us be more than we are. It will be cold. It will be hard. But it will be worth it.

I was in the 8^th grade – average student and maybe a little above average in track. Grades were A’s, B’s and a C I’d gotten in Spanish. I remember the C because I wasn’t allowed to watch TV or play games until I got that grade up – Momma wasn’t playing no games. I struggled to keep up in math class and biology just didn’t make sense to me. Then came D-day. One of the first major turning points in my life.

Normal day, nothing special about it. I was at home watching TV and Momma was talking about my grades. She was obviously disappointed. She said, “You’re going to college. I don’t have any money to pay for it so you better figure something out.” That day, then and there I made one of the most important decisions of my life. I DECIDED that I was going to do better, be better, want more and succeed. I had to give up some TV time, some play time, video games, etc. I had to give up the things that were holding me back from my potential. I traded where I was comfortable being average for the challenge of being great.

4 yrs later I graduated salutatorian with full ride scholarships to several major universities and 3 free degrees later started my career as an engineer – all because of a decision I made one random day in middle school. That’s what life is. A series of decisions that can lead to the difference in being ok, and being better, and being great. Living great. If you’re comfortable, but not happy it’s time to course correct and DECIDE to make a change. Baby steps every day will then lead to big changes.

It’s not that it’s too late. You’re just too comfortable. DECIDE.

Part 1B: How Not to Suck at... Accountability (in Relationships)

B.                 …in Relationships

We have got to take some real responsibility in the reason our relationships go the way they do.

Stop. Take a second and grab a pencil & paper. I’ll wait.

List all your past/current strained or failed relationships. I’m talking brothers, sisters, parents, ex-friends and yes, the ex-lovers. Make a column for your name, their name and another for its strained or failed. Now list a few of the potential daters you didn’t give a chance. Again, make a column for your name, their name and why you didn’t give them a real chance. For some of you it may take a while, so stop at about 10 or so. We don’t need a Superhead big font novel here… just a few people that really stick out. The supporting cast to your life.

Stop again, look at the list. I mean really look at it. What’s the common denominator? Whose name appears next to every failed/strained/passed relationship on your list?

I’m sorry, but yes - it’s you. A big part of the reason you’re unhappy, or have strained relationship and/or single is YOU. Take accountability in the fact that the source of your situation is you. Be empowered in that fact so that we can do something about it! It’s not in someone else’s control – It’s in our control! Your happiness is determined in big part by what we allow to affect our lives. Somethings are just not worth our time and effort and we get all worked up about the wrong things.

And as far as romantic relationships go… the reason you’re unhappy or single is staring you in the face every day – and it’s not the just other person fault either. Yes, it’s still you!

At our age, we can’t blame the universe for not providing you a good man or woman. By now someone wanted you and you decided not to be with them. Or maybe you loved someone and they didn’t love you back. Let it go and move on. Or you are with someone and you’re unhappy as it gets.

It may be your pickiness, or what you choose to accept in the relationship, or your preferences are unrealistic or your standards are too high. Either way, it was/is your choice. Be empowered in the fact that it is your choice. Be accountable for your role in your love life and decide to make better choices and refuse to let life bring you down. Stop blaming everyone else, stop taking shit from others, stop thinking you’re not good enough.

Be the main character in your life. Decide to do better and be happy. 

Part 1A: How Not to Suck at... Accountability (in Life)

Every leadership book I have ever read has a chapter on accountability, but leaders are not the only ones that need to be accountable for their actions and the things that happen to them. We all need to take a step back and realize and accept the fact that allot of the issues in our lives are our fault… yeah, I said it. It’s YOUR FAULT. We always want to take credit for the good; realize that we need to start taking credit for the bad too. Once you’ve done that then you can take action to do better. And we want to do better, right?

A.                 ... In Life

I did it, I broke the cardinal rule when I comes to money. I co-signed a small loan for a close friend. I was young and dumb and I’d done it before with others with no problems. Till this day I love them like a brother. They promised on their mother’s grave that they wouldn’t miss a payment and that there would be no issues. I knew them well, I trusted them – I believed in them and knew that they wanted to do better. I believed in their dream and success.

The truth is no one asking for a favor will ever tell you that they can come through on their end. I don’t know if its pride, blindness, optimism and just a straight up, cold hearted lie; but you never hear “hey man, I need this favor and I’m probably going to screw you over in the end. But I want you to help me anyway.”

Life was all good for a while. Then the calls started. The bank was looking for me to make payments that were past due. They would call me, I would call him, he would promise to pay, the calls would stop – repeat. I figured that sense they weren’t calling that life was all good. I was wrong.  I pull my yearly credit report and found out my A1 credit was now “fair.” I was HOT. I called, I cussed, and was ready to fight… and then I paid the pass due balance. Set up auto payment and required them to pay me directly.

Most people would want to say it was his fault. He missed the payments. He defaulted. He lied.

The reality is it’s my fault. I agreed to the loan, I let the phone calls slide, I believed he was doing as he claimed he was. I should have been more involved and intrusive to the situation. I failed at life. Yeah, he has some blame, but I failed myself and honestly can’t blame anyone but myself.

The situation didn’t change until I became accountable and made sure things happened. Sure, I can say that this happened to me but it’s more like I let this happen to me.

The same is true in most things in life. We want to cry that the world and the man is out to get us but the reality is that we are generally passive and allow things to happen. Take charge, take control, and take a few seconds to figure out how we can change a situation. Be accountable! Realize that the problem or the solution is you!

How Not to Suck at Life… and Relationships

This is the introduction for what will be a multi-part blog about life in all its joyous wonders. I’ll discuss how the lessons I’ve learned in life have allowed me to grow as a person and become a real life adult. And how these life-lessons apply to relationships – not just the romantic kind either. Family, coworkers, friends, associates and yes… even the lovers. I’m tired of sucking at life… and relationships. Time to do better and give you insights to the come up. 

Being Alone… and the Resurrection of my Relationship

I attend a church with 1000’s of members. On a typical Sunday, I get to church, I look for friends to sit with, and most weeks I sit in the same area around some of the same strangers. There’s always a few new faces around, but even with the new people it’s amazing how you can be literally surrounded by people and still be and feel alone, disconnected and just part of the crowd.

I’m a natural introvert so the most draining part of service is when the pastor starts talking about “tell ya neighbor…touch ya neighbor…hold hands and look deeply into your neighbor’s eyes…” It’s just gets awkward at times. I don’t like randoms in my personal space like that so I just want to look forward and ignore all those Simon Say instructions.

I know that God says “For where 2 or 3 are gathered together in my name, there I am in the midst of them (Matt 18:20).” Are we really gather together if I am disconnected? How am I part of the gathering when I feel alone?

I’ve been out of town the last few weekends for various reasons so I hadn’t been to Sunday service. I’ve even had several conflicts on Wednesday evenings so I’ve been missing Wed night bible study. I’ve been tired so I slept in instead of getting up early before work to read/pray before work. Yes, this sounds like a bunch of excuses and the result is I feel more alone and disconnected than ever.

Today is Easter Resurrection Sunday. I drove back into late last night from a wedding in Alabama with the intent of joining all my new random stranger friends for the mega service at church. Today was going to be the day for me to get my life together by being one of 10000 people joining together to celebrate the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Yes! This one Sunday service was going to fix all my problems, put me on the straight and narrow and rejuvenate my relationship with God! One stop shop!

I laid there in bed – drained at the very idea of all those random people. I felt like I should go because that’s what everyone expects of a good lil Christian. I was worried about what everyone else would think since I hadn’t been to church in a while (month) and was now one of the people who only attend on Easter.

I didn’t get up or get dressed. I laid there. Thinking. I thought about the things I need to do resurrect my relationship with God. The things I hadn’t made a priority and the distractions I had let take their place. I thought about how my relationship has nothing to do with being in a place with others or how fly my new suit is. It’s about the things I do when no one else is around, the thoughts I have that no one else can see, and the faith and feeling I have internally – whether I’m physically alone or not.

As much as my friends/pastor can help and guide me, my journey in Christ is an individual one – so I’ll always be alone. But I’m ok with that.

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, - John 11:25

The Hypocritical Church

I’ll say it…and even admit to being one at times, but there are a lot of hypocrites in the church. I mean the ones that look down their nose at you and are doing just as much dirt – if not more. I mean the stand in the pulpit but got a mistress and a side chic, embezzling the building funds while preaching about tithing type. OK…I’ve never been that bad. But you get the point. Folks in the church just as lost and sinful as the ones on the street – we just pretend better.

We can have and know the Word but if we, the church, aren’t following it we’re no better than someone who never knew God. We want to act like we have it all together – we don’t. And that should be the last reason why we scold someone else for not living right.  John 8 speaks of a woman caught in adultery. Keyword being “caught.”  We want to point the finger and persecute those whose sins are evident. We feel better highlighting what someone else did. What about us? What about what we did… but didn’t get caught. Her sin was brought before the masses, but how much more do we do behind closed doors?

The crowd is so ready to judge and punish her until Jesus says, "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." (John 8:7) Can you imagine the silence that fell over the crowd? Jesus probably sat there and had a sip of tea while he waited. The same people who came to see her stoned had to slowly sneak away – admitting their own guilt.

Imagine if at Sunday’s service, pastor asks for us to confess our sins to the crowd. Let’s be real…we’re not ready. So stop being so ready to throw someone else's dirt in their face. The church should be welcoming to sinners wanting to be saved. What good is a hospital that only admits healthy people? Or a restaurant that only serves full people? The church is for us – those who are inherently sinful wanting to be better.