Friday, December 20, 2002

My Fault: Letter to a Lost Love

            I let other’s thoughts and opinions influence my own, and in the end if was the two of us that ended up hurt. The week that followed the termination of our union was pure punishment for my sin. My body felt physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. Unable to focus on my work, all aspects of my life suffered. I had withdrawn from friends and family, but the weight on my heart is that you had withdrawn from me, for within a few minutes of the word that ended our life I realized my certain damnation. It was too late. Your eyes shed a million tears, and millions more set silent on my heart. I begged for your forgiveness, for another chance, for a chance for things to be as they should have been. But I had cracked your heart that you had so trustfully left in my possession. The smooth pedals from roses weren’t the remedy to the infection I had caused for us both.
            In the months that followed our friendship roses from the ashes of our former life and we grew close again. I never tried to regain your heart in the way I once held it. One reason: I had never really let it go; the other: I feared you rejection.  I tried in the period after I had let you go and you made it clear to me that it couldn’t happen.
            Even in the minutes before you revealed your new love interest to me, I naively hoped you were returning to me. I was, at least crushed, hurt, and my heart was shadowed over. I completely withdrew from you. It hurt to think of you, to look at you, to smell your scent, to hear your voice. The very idea of you without me hurt.
            My silence, it risked our friendship, but at that point I couldn’t stand to be your friend because I had always known you as more than that. So you taught me, as I had taught you before, not to let go and forget about people so easy.
            Without you in my heart to keep me sane, my lust soon talked me into things I soon regretted. Even in the time we were apart I always acted as if you were my girl, and I tried to do nothing that would jeopardize that. Now I feel that I could have had you back if I had had the courage to express my feelings. The calls, the visits, you wanting me to visit, wanting to spend time with me. You never said it but you gave me ample time and opportunity to get you back. But I was too stupid, arrogant, and foolish to realize it. I was treading water waiting on you, and you had already given up on me and moved. I can blame no one but myself. Till this day I daydream of the memories we had together and wonder will there ever be time to fix my mistakes. For although I never told you, I truly loved you.

Wednesday, November 13, 2002

I Can Make You Cry

When the tears come easing out of you watery eyes and roll down your cheek I have mixed emotions.

I'm sad that I am the one who has made a strong black woman break to the point where rain pours from her face, thunder rumbles her chest and lightening sounds from her lips.

I'm proud that I have enough presence in your life to bring about such strong emotion. If I can't make you cry with joy, but weep with pain, and you can brush me off with a flicker of your fingers; how much did I really mean to you?

When those tears find their resting place in a smile that stretched across your face, I rejoice in knowing that the poem I wrote you, the necklace I found for you, and the flowers I sent you truly reached your mind body and soul.

But when those same tears come from a canvas that's stressed and distressed, aching and depressed I wish that I could endure your pain and erase your tears because I am the one that made you cry.

Sunday, January 20, 2002

Random Thoughts

  • As I sit here in this space of time, I ponder the reason for my very existence. Then I realize, we were destined to cross paths I need to give you something, as you need to give me. Our meeting is not by chance. There is a reason for that fateful day, it`s up to us to discover it.
  • Until you have PERFECTED the art of looking beyond a man`s body and into his soul you have the right to judge no one but yourself.
  • Who are you? The person u show to others? Or the one you know yourself to be? These could be two different realities, and when different worlds collide, galaxies shatter. Be true to u and all u know.
  • Black women. Our mothers, our sisters, our daughters, our lovers. They fill all these important positions in our lives, yet we treat them as if they`re inferior. It`s time for a change. It`s time to treat them as the strong black woman that they are. Until then we`re just as low as we treat them.
  • Just as a watched pot never boils, chased love never surrenders. Keep your eyes and ears open and take advantage of the coincidences that fate hands you, and love will soon find you.                            
  • Remember: What you say may not even be close to what people hear. Filter your mouth as well as your ears, and realize that a small misunderstanding can grow into a huge confrontation.
  • To listen to another’s words and treat them as you expect them to treat you; then you realize . . . their words have come from false lips and deaf ears. Hypocrisy: death by false words.