Friday, December 29, 2006


So I got to have that conversation I wanted to have with the person I wanted to have it with. Didn’t hear what I wanted to hear, and in fact heard some things that I didn’t expect to hear. But all in all, even though the outcome wasn’t in my favor, I just FEEL BETTER. Being able to go into the New Year knowing EXACTLY where I stand is what I wanted for Christmas.

She wasn’t able to give me any direct answers, but she indirectly answered all my questions. I had been debating whether it was time to let go, and it is. If it was meant to be then it will happen, and if it isn’t then we’ll find happiness elsewhere. Maybe when /if she’s ever ready I hope she’ll let me know. But I see I needed to stop “nurturing” something that she was fighting against.

Everyone says that relationships are hard work, but apparently so is liking someone. I don’t think I’ve ever really wanted something/someone that was easy to obtain, but with the allure of trying comes the reality that you may not ever succeed. My favorite line from John Legends new CD is “Love hurts sometimes when you do it right.” I whole heartily agree, and I guess this is one of those times.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

A Good Man

You say you want a Good Man
And when it comes to finding one you won't.
Because when it comes to really wanting one,
Simply put; ladies you don't.
You say you want a Good Man
One that will always give you hugs,
But every time I turn around
You're always chasing after thugs.
You say you want a Good Man
Well I'm here to tell you that's not true
Because the last one that came your way,
Wasn't tall enough for you.
You say you want a Good Man
Cause you're tired of trifling mess
But you rolled your eyes at the last one
Because you didn't like the way he dressed.
You say you want a Good Man
One that will have you for his wife
Yet every time you come across one,
You say he's just too nice.
You say you want a Good Man
Now I'm not saying you should make him beg.
But a brother should at least know your first and last name.
Before you open up your legs.
See if you try that with a Good Man,
In you he won't be pleased.
For he realizes, just like he could have,
Other brothers have had you with ease.
Now in order to get a Good Man
You need to listen; see it's in your favor.
Starting with the fact that no Good Man
Wants a woman who curses like a sailor.
And in your quest to find a Good Man
Listen as if it's Law.
You'll never find a good man,
If you always label him as a dog.
See a Good Man wants a woman
That expects to receive his best.
But you will never ever find one,
If you keep settling for less.
Now if you've found a man
That you think might be right for you.
You'll know he's not a Good man
If he won't go to church with you.
For in the life of a Good Man
You're not first, but don't take it hard.
See you're standing right there next to him,
But you're second after God.
So if you still would like a Good Man
One that will make a real good husband.
There's only one thing left for you to do
And that's simply become a Good Woman. 

Time to Think

So I am at home for the holiday break with WAY too much free time on my hands. In between sleeping, watching tv, eating, sleeping talking to my family, hanging with old friends and sleeping, I think and write, write and think… probablely over think and under write and over analyze. But none this less it’s been happening. It’s said that idle hands are the devils playground, so what is an idle mind? Think on that one.

So in the time I’ve been on vacation I have managed to write 5 poems. The first one called “A.N.I.M.O.S.I.T.Y.” is about some animosity I had suppressed a while back. Someone had lied on me and made me look bad. Basically the typical hater type shit, but I think it got to me because what he lied about and who he lied to. Truth be told if I had done what he said there is no way he would have been able to do the things he did. The more I thought about it, the more the whole thing just didn’t make sense. More than likely that poem will never get to the public. No reason for me to air him out, not my style. No reason for me to get caught up in that game. Karma’s a bitch anyway.

Another poem was about this girl I used to talk to. We got along well but she was stuck on her ex and I wasn’t taking her serious. One because of the ex, two because I had my own “baggage.” I couldn’t give her what she wanted and didn’t think it fair to give any less… so it never progressed. The poem “Wish Her Well” just tells the story of us.

Now this is the serious part. The remaining 3 poems all center on the same topic. Apparently something that has been bothering me the last few days. In any relationship – friendship, courtship, marriage – is not communication one of them most important things. I wrote the poems “Incapable,” “Time Bomb,” and “More Times” about just that topic. I talk to someone on a regular basis, but we never talk about some of the most important things and it drives me crazy. And when I even temp to bring it up there’s a fight waiting to happen. I am debating if I should post the poems before I talk to her, or talk first and let the poems back up how I feel. Or vice versa. I’m sure this post will give her enough warning to keep her cool.

What if one person is waiting and willing to talk, but the other literally runs from the conversation? What if one person can’t tell if they’re alone in the situation and it’s time to move on? Is that not a train wreck waiting to happen? It’s almost 2007 and I can’t go into the New Year in the dark. This lack of communication has been bad for my health. I’m tryin to be healthy. 

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Moretimes (How I Feel)

Sometimes I feel that I’m all alone, and

Most times I feel I don’t deserve that angry tone, and

Then times I feel that I got used, but
This time I hope that I’m confused, yet

That time you came, spent that night
I wonder if it’s all my fault we had that fight, cuz

Take the time to face the fact,
Without my help, you wouldn’t been back, and
Lil time there was to see
More time for friends, less time for me

Everytime I think and wonder why:
How come I apologize – swallow your pride—you’d rather die, now

This time I’m trying to start the new year
Without the confusion, stubbornness, and fear, but

All the time you rather ignore than talk, but
More times I think it’s time for me to take that walk, but

Sometimes I wonder if that’s the right choice, cuz
I know that more times than not I’d miss your voice, but

Allot of times I think I cain’t take it no more,

Time to close that chapter, time to lock that door


Everyone needs that push to know that she’s still feeling it
To know she’s still there, that he’s not alone in it
Something so small, it takes just a lil bit
To know she still cares, and not moved on from it
Something to ease the mind and hold comfort wit
More than “I don’t wanna talk ‘bout it.”
Ask for too much—emotional angry fit
And truth be told, don’t know if I can handle it

I let her know that I still care
That I’m still around, that I’m still there
And I understand that she’s confused and scared
Due to past issues that polluted the air
But I need some love too, ain’t that only fair?
To know that it’s “us” and not half a pair.
But I keep hope alive and take all I can bare
Because I believe that what I found is something so rare
Without some feedback, cain’t promise I’ll be there
And I’ll miss the smile, the voice, and the beautiful black hair.

Two times before, I had made up my mind,
To move on from this, to move on with mine
And sure enough, just in the knick of time
Her heart broke through and the planets a lined.
And that push I needed was a written line
It let me know that she still care, but wasn’t ready to be mine,
That she was confused and scared and needed more time
And now heaven only knows I need a new sign

Like she sucks up my heart and keeps it to herself
As if she’s a poor man accumulating mass wealth
And I start to feel like I have nothing left
And begin to think this is bad for my health
Cuz I give her my love, leave none for myself

Now there’s an empty bottle of me, alone on the shelf.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Time Bomb

Subconsciously ruining all that is good
And all your friends wishing that you would
Stop pushing away the ones you call close
Pushing them away when u need them the most.
Eyes filled with tears but try not to cry
As you tell the world nothing when they ask you why.
But scream at the Lord cuz it’s all his fault,
But the truth is you’ve got your heart locked in a vault
Turning good things bad – it’s all in your head
Reading extra words into what I said.
You’ve got a good thing, trying to make it seem bad
But when it’s gone you gonna be too sad
Cuz you pushed too hard and couldn’t make it right
Cuz you couldn’t exchange kind words for a verbal fight
And when it’s gone, your gonna be fucked

But you still got time, before you self-destruct. 

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Wish Her Well

I liked this girl,
Beautiful face, but can’t look her in the eye
Says I intimidate her, and she’s just too shy
But we’d dance all night, loved those sexy chocolate thighs.
But she never could get over the other guy
And for the life of me I couldn’t figure why
She care for someone that would cheat and lie
And she didn’t understand why I didn’t try
To take her hand, to make her my
Only girl, but that wouldn’t fly
Couldn’t take her serious—in love with another guy
But I can’t lie and say that I
Was emotionally available, so I never imply
That we’d be together, but I was always nearby.
So I wasn’t surprised when she chose the old guy
And told me that we couldn’t speak, had to say goodbye.

So I wish her well, hope he doesn’t make her cry.

Thursday, December 21, 2006


It’s 2:23 and I still can’t sleep,
Due to some real “bitch shit” that cut me real deep
Cuz today I realized I got some hate in my heart
Because he sought to discredit me right from the start
I knew day 1 this shit wasn’t right,
Cuz all he wanted was to visit in the night,
I said I like her, he said “nigga, I’m just trying to cut”
I wanted her heart, he just wanted to fuck.
So about a month later, thought I’d lost the war,
Took a vow of silence, figure “what we need to talk for?”
So I packed up my stuff and headed out of state
Thought that if it was meant to be, it’d happen at a later date.

Now thought the summer, and though that year
Few words left my mouth and reached her ear
A long time pasted before we spoke any words,
Be he lied on me and I heard the absurd.
That I was the one, trying to screw up his game
When really dissin my name was his claim to fame.
Said I had hated on him in a 4 page letter,
But if I wanted to hate, I could have done it much better
Cuz we both know I know got some shit to bring the world down,
But karma’s a bitch; he’ll get his next round.

Sometimes karma works too slow, and aint to fair
So I’mma put  some dirty laundry in the air.
Remember that time she stormed in and up the stairs
And we all played like he wasn’t there?
But the truth is that there was a girl in the room
So when she came, the girl had to cum real soon
And he played it cool like wasn’t nothing wrong
And that was a sign of some shit that went on way too long

And now he got is new lil girl
And prolly tells her she means the word
But does she know that the day before she was the one
He was fucking at least two others just for fun?
Now he be talking about making her his wife
But it aint fair to put her through that strife
Cuz he talk about marriage and he talk about freaking
Talk about fuckin these hoes – he talking about cheating!
Talk about lust and love in the same breath
She need to talk about getting his shit from the left

Over 12 months of silence, you talking stay in my lane
And a four-page letter? That shit’s insane!
So why spread shit that’s just untrue?
And everyone believed it because it came from you.
So did it make you feel big to bring me down?
Suffering from an inferiority complex when I was around?
Smiling to my face, like it was all cool.
But spread some lies and broke the rules.
False the bonds born of our fraternity,
But I tried to subdue the anger, the A.N.I.M.O.S.I.T.Y.
Because we survived the search and destroy mission
But Anger Never Impedes More Opposition,
So Investigate the Y.

And leave lying goes to die. 

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Seize the Day

Carpe Diem… As each day goes by it seems more important that we take advantage of the "present", because that's what it is, a gift. Stop waiting till tomorrow to say/do the things that should be done today. Tomorrow is not promised, and for far too many of us lately, tomorrow didn't happen. In the last few years death has been more and more common is my life. There have been several friends of friends that have passed: dude fell down some steps at his frat house, girl died on the way from Montgomery, guy accidentally shot himself in the head, another girl in a car accident coming from ATL, and another gun accident recently. I've been fortunate that none of the people to pass recently were extremely close to me, but they seem to be getting closer. Today I got a call. A friend from high school was in an accident and is in a comma. I fear the call that informs me that I've lost a love one.

There is a plan for each of us, it's just sad that some of us fulfilled our purpose so soon. My heart goes out to all of you who have lost someone recently. Tell the ones u love how you feel. Might not be a next time.

Friday, December 8, 2006


I think I have Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), but not in the normal sense. I mean I have no problem staying awake and paying attention in class. I can study for 2-3 hours before I get too restless to retain more information. I can sit and read with no problem. But I have come to realization that people/places/things in life just don't hold attention for too long. There are very few new things that hold my attention for more than a moment.

I am bored. I will be IM'ing 2-3 people, searching the net, watching tv, and listening to music all at the same time and still be looking for more to do. I'll have work to do and put it off day after day, just procrastinating for no reason. There are people more than willing to occupy my time and I just don't feel like calling them. Or they would have had my attention the day before and I don't feel like being around them today, but maybe sometime next week I will. I don't want to sit and have long conversations in the Ferg, I don't want to go to the movies, out to eat, etc. I'll go to parties and stay to the end… but not because I was having a great time, but because I was too lazy to leave and find something else to do. I'll want to talk to people, but not feel like calling them. I'll be thinking about someone all day but not take the time to contact them. I've stayed up to 2 in the morning doing absolutely nothing, just cuz I didn't feel like showering to get in the bed. Now and then something sparks my interest, but more than likely it fades pretty quick and then i am bored again.

 What's wrong with me?

I need more to do, keep myself and my mind occupied. I think I am happiest when I am busy, when I have too much to do and not enough hours in the day. Right now all these free time is not good for me. I needed a break, but I am ready for the next round of what life has to offer. Time to step my game back up and continue the takeover…. After Christmas break.