Wednesday, April 2, 2008

God’s Weed Out: Abolishing the “What if Factor”

Most of you know that while I have always been moral (know right from wrong) and spiritual (believed in a higher power), I hadn’t always been extremely religious. That’s all changing now as well. I was baptized years ago under my own wishing but I’ll admit I’ve “backslid” since then and still don’t claim to be living right. But like I said before, I’m changing…getting better.

Ok, so last Aug 26 I was in church with a friend of mine back home. I prayed that God would send me a woman that I was meant to be with. The same day I received a seemly text from a seemly random number with a seemly random picture with a caption that said “This look familiar?” Being me, I said “no,” because it didn’t, “who is this?” No reply. Within half an hour I got another random text from a random number that “Are you out of church yet?” I thought nothing of it but replied back “yes, but who is this?”

So now I was curious. One random text is nothing…wrong number. But two so close from way different numbers had my attention. I called the 2nd number back. No answer. Called the 1st one back…the girl I had been so in love with answered on the other end. I was floored. We hadn’t spoke in months so I didn’t have her number but the way things happened basically forced me to pay attention and be curious.

I explained my prayer and the series of events that lead to our present convo and she agreed it was odd but said that she didn’t think God would send her to me in the condition she was in. Over the next few days we had a series of conversations and emails that really let us both get some things off our chests and clear up things. I basically got closure to the situation, which I never really had before. By the end of the week we both agreed that what God wanted was for us to clear the air. I felt relieved because I had done what had been asked of me and had there were no more “what if’s.” She was the first.

Since that time I have had some of my crushes come back into my life for various reasons. Sometimes I fell for them again. I explained how I felt and got rejected. But as soon as I left their presence after that conversation I felt a weight lifted and my feelings changed from “gotta have her” to “she great, but not for me.” Other times I just came to the realization that she just wasn’t what I needed or wanted in my life and remembered why it didn’t work out before. Either way, we remained friends with no ill feelings…and the “what if” factor was removed. There are no “what if,” or “grass is greener” scenarios.

I hope that by clearing the air with each of these women I am removing my own baggage and erasing the “bitterness” I’d picked up over the years. I even felt the need to contact someone I cussed out the last time I spoke with her, and I apologized her.

It’s been a slow, confusing, but pleasant process. God is preparing me for something and someone. I am excited to see what.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Then U Gotta Ask Urself....Are U Willing to change?

I hadn’t written in a min.

I was chattin on AIM wit a friend. She had recently read my blog about Blaque Fairytails but before I knew this she made the comment “u got some nerve callin me bitter.” So of course I was confused and perplexed. She explained she had been doin some reading and read that piece.

I admitted that I was a lil dishearten when I wrote that but still I am a lil bitter. I admit to havin a lil baggage and I’m dealing wit it. But doesn’t everyone?  Hadn’t everyone been in some way changed and/or scared by some past relationship?