Finally

So I got to have that conversation I wanted to have with the person I wanted to have it with. Didn’t hear what I wanted to hear, and in fact heard some things that I didn’t expect to hear. But all in all, even though the outcome wasn’t in my favor, I just FEEL BETTER. Being able to go into the New Year knowing EXACTLY where I stand is what I wanted for Christmas.

She wasn’t able to give me any direct answers, but she indirectly answered all my questions. I had been debating whether it was time to let go, and it is. If it was meant to be then it will happen, and if it isn’t then we’ll find happiness elsewhere. Maybe when /if she’s ever ready I hope she’ll let me know. But I see I needed to stop “nurturing” something that she was fighting against.

Everyone says that relationships are hard work, but apparently so is liking someone. I don’t think I’ve ever really wanted something/someone that was easy to obtain, but with the allure of trying comes the reality that you may not ever succeed. My favorite line from John Legends new CD is “Love hurts sometimes when you do it right.” I whole heartily agree, and I guess this is one of those times.

A Good Man

You say you want a Good Man
And when it comes to finding one you won't.
Because when it comes to really wanting one,
Simply put; ladies you don't.
You say you want a Good Man
One that will always give you hugs,
But every time I turn around
You're always chasing after thugs.
You say you want a Good Man
Well I'm here to tell you that's not true
Because the last one that came your way,
Wasn't tall enough for you.
You say you want a Good Man
Cause you're tired of trifling mess
But you rolled your eyes at the last one
Because you didn't like the way he dressed.
You say you want a Good Man
One that will have you for his wife
Yet every time you come across one,
You say he's just too nice.
You say you want a Good Man
Now I'm not saying you should make him beg.
But a brother should at least know your first and last name.
Before you open up your legs.
See if you try that with a Good Man,
In you he won't be pleased.
For he realizes, just like he could have,
Other brothers have had you with ease.
Now in order to get a Good Man
You need to listen; see it's in your favor.
Starting with the fact that no Good Man
Wants a woman who curses like a sailor.
And in your quest to find a Good Man
Listen as if it's Law.
You'll never find a good man,
If you always label him as a dog.
See a Good Man wants a woman
That expects to receive his best.
But you will never ever find one,
If you keep settling for less.
Now if you've found a man
That you think might be right for you.
You'll know he's not a Good man
If he won't go to church with you.
For in the life of a Good Man
You're not first, but don't take it hard.
See you're standing right there next to him,
But you're second after God.
So if you still would like a Good Man
One that will make a real good husband.
There's only one thing left for you to do
And that's simply become a Good Woman. 

Time to Think

So I am at home for the holiday break with WAY too much free time on my hands. In between sleeping, watching tv, eating, sleeping talking to my family, hanging with old friends and sleeping, I think and write, write and think… probablely over think and under write and over analyze. But none this less it’s been happening. It’s said that idle hands are the devils playground, so what is an idle mind? Think on that one.

So in the time I’ve been on vacation I have managed to write 5 poems. The first one called “A.N.I.M.O.S.I.T.Y.” is about some animosity I had suppressed a while back. Someone had lied on me and made me look bad. Basically the typical hater type shit, but I think it got to me because what he lied about and who he lied to. Truth be told if I had done what he said there is no way he would have been able to do the things he did. The more I thought about it, the more the whole thing just didn’t make sense. More than likely that poem will never get to the public. No reason for me to air him out, not my style. No reason for me to get caught up in that game. Karma’s a bitch anyway.

Another poem was about this girl I used to talk to. We got along well but she was stuck on her ex and I wasn’t taking her serious. One because of the ex, two because I had my own “baggage.” I couldn’t give her what she wanted and didn’t think it fair to give any less… so it never progressed. The poem “Wish Her Well” just tells the story of us.

Now this is the serious part. The remaining 3 poems all center on the same topic. Apparently something that has been bothering me the last few days. In any relationship – friendship, courtship, marriage – is not communication one of them most important things. I wrote the poems “Incapable,” “Time Bomb,” and “More Times” about just that topic. I talk to someone on a regular basis, but we never talk about some of the most important things and it drives me crazy. And when I even temp to bring it up there’s a fight waiting to happen. I am debating if I should post the poems before I talk to her, or talk first and let the poems back up how I feel. Or vice versa. I’m sure this post will give her enough warning to keep her cool.

What if one person is waiting and willing to talk, but the other literally runs from the conversation? What if one person can’t tell if they’re alone in the situation and it’s time to move on? Is that not a train wreck waiting to happen? It’s almost 2007 and I can’t go into the New Year in the dark. This lack of communication has been bad for my health. I’m tryin to be healthy. 

Moretimes (How I Feel)

Sometimes I feel that I’m all alone, and

Most times I feel I don’t deserve that angry tone, and

Then times I feel that I got used, but

This time I hope that I’m confused, yet

That time you came, spent that night

I wonder if it’s all my fault we had that fight, cuz

Take the time to face the fact,

Without my help, you wouldn’t been back, and

Lil time there was to see

More time for friends, less time for me

Everytime I think and wonder why:

How come I apologize – swallow your pride—you’d rather die, now

This time I’m trying to start the new year

Without the confusion, stubbornness, and fear, but

All the time you rather ignore than talk, but

More times I think it’s time for me to take that walk, but

Sometimes I wonder if that’s the right choice, cuz

I know that more times than not I’d miss your voice, but

Allot of times I think I cain’t take it no more,

Time to close that chapter, time to lock that door

Incapable

Everyone needs that push to know that she’s still feeling it

To know she’s still there, that he’s not alone in it

Something so small, it takes just a lil bit

To know she still cares, and not moved on from it

Something to ease the mind and hold comfort wit

More than “I don’t wanna talk ‘bout it.”

Ask for too much—emotional angry fit

And truth be told, don’t know if I can handle it

I let her know that I still care

That I’m still around, that I’m still there

And I understand that she’s confused and scared

Due to past issues that polluted the air

But I need some love too, ain’t that only fair?

To know that it’s “us” and not half a pair.

But I keep hope alive and take all I can bare

Because I believe that what I found is something so rare

Without some feedback, cain’t promise I’ll be there

And I’ll miss the smile, the voice, and the beautiful black hair.

Two times before, I had made up my mind,

To move on from this, to move on with mine

And sure enough, just in the knick of time

Her heart broke through and the planets a lined.

And that push I needed was a written line

It let me know that she still care, but wasn’t ready to be mine,

That she was confused and scared and needed more time

And now heaven only knows I need a new sign

Like she sucks up my heart and keeps it to herself

As if she’s a poor man accumulating mass wealth

And I start to feel like I have nothing left

And begin to think this is bad for my health

Cuz I give her my love, leave none for myself

Now there’s an empty bottle of me, alone on the shelf.

Time Bomb

Subconsciously ruining all that is good

And all your friends wishing that you would

Stop pushing away the ones you call close

Pushing them away when u need them the most.

Eyes filled with tears but try not to cry

As you tell the world nothing when they ask you why.

But scream at the Lord cuz it’s all his fault,

But the truth is you’ve got your heart locked in a vault

Turning good things bad – it’s all in your head

Reading extra words into what I said.

You’ve got a good thing, trying to make it seem bad

But when it’s gone you gonna be too sad

Cuz you pushed too hard and couldn’t make it right

Cuz you couldn’t exchange kind words for a verbal fight

And when it’s gone, your gonna be fucked

But you still got time, before you self-destruct. 

Wish Her Well

I liked this girl,

Beautiful face, but can’t look her in the eye

Says I intimidate her, and she’s just too shy

But we’d dance all night, loved those sexy chocolate thighs.

But she never could get over the other guy

And for the life of me I couldn’t figure why

She care for someone that would cheat and lie

And she didn’t understand why I didn’t try

To take her hand, to make her my

Only girl, but that wouldn’t fly

Couldn’t take her serious—in love with another guy

But I can’t lie and say that I

Was emotionally available, so I never imply

That we’d be together, but I was always nearby.

So I wasn’t surprised when she chose the old guy

And told me that we couldn’t speak, had to say goodbye.

So I wish her well, hope he doesn’t make her cry.

A.N.I.M.O.S.I.T.Y

It’s 2:23 and I still can’t sleep,

Due to some real “bitch shit” that cut me real deep

Cuz today I realized I got some hate in my heart

Because he sought to discredit me right from the start

I knew day 1 this shit wasn’t right,

Cuz all he wanted was to visit in the night,

I said I like her, he said “nigga, I’m just trying to cut”

I wanted her heart, he just wanted to fuck.

So about a month later, thought I’d lost the war,

Took a vow of silence, figure “what we need to talk for?”

So I packed up my stuff and headed out of state

Thought that if it was meant to be, it’d happen at a later date.

Now thought the summer, and though that year

Few words left my mouth and reached her ear

A long time pasted before we spoke any words,

Be he lied on me and I heard the absurd.

That I was the one, trying to screw up his game

When really dissin my name was his claim to fame.

Said I had hated on him in a 4 page letter,

But if I wanted to hate, I could have done it much better

Cuz we both know I know got some shit to bring the world down,

But karma’s a bitch; he’ll get his next round.

Sometimes karma works too slow, and aint to fair

So I’mma put  some dirty laundry in the air.

Remember that time she stormed in and up the stairs

And we all played like he wasn’t there?

But the truth is that there was a girl in the room

So when she came, the girl had to cum real soon

And he played it cool like wasn’t nothing wrong

And that was a sign of some shit that went on way too long

And now he got is new lil girl

And prolly tells her she means the word

But does she know that the day before she was the one

He was fucking at least two others just for fun?

Now he be talking about making her his wife

But it aint fair to put her through that strife

Cuz he talk about marriage and he talk about freaking

Talk about fuckin these hoes – he talking about cheating!

Talk about lust and love in the same breath

She need to talk about getting his shit from the left

Over 12 months of silence, you talking stay in my lane

And a four-page letter? That shit’s insane!

So why spread shit that’s just untrue?

And everyone believed it because it came from you.

So did it make you feel big to bring me down?

Suffering from an inferiority complex when I was around?

Smiling to my face, like it was all cool.

But spread some lies and broke the rules.

False the bonds born of our fraternity,

But I tried to subdue the anger, the A.N.I.M.O.S.I.T.Y.

Because we survived the search and destroy mission

But Anger Never Impedes More Opposition,

So Investigate the Y.

And leave lying goes to die. 

Seize the Day

Carpe Diem… As each day goes by it seems more important that we take advantage of the "present", because that's what it is, a gift. Stop waiting till tomorrow to say/do the things that should be done today. Tomorrow is not promised, and for far too many of us lately, tomorrow didn't happen. In the last few years death has been more and more common is my life. There have been several friends of friends that have passed: dude fell down some steps at his frat house, girl died on the way from Montgomery, guy accidentally shot himself in the head, another girl in a car accident coming from ATL, and another gun accident recently. I've been fortunate that none of the people to pass recently were extremely close to me, but they seem to be getting closer. Today I got a call. A friend from high school was in an accident and is in a comma. I fear the call that informs me that I've lost a love one.

There is a plan for each of us, it's just sad that some of us fulfilled our purpose so soon. My heart goes out to all of you who have lost someone recently. Tell the ones u love how you feel. Might not be a next time.

A.D.H.D

I think I have Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), but not in the normal sense. I mean I have no problem staying awake and paying attention in class. I can study for 2-3 hours before I get too restless to retain more information. I can sit and read with no problem. But I have come to realization that people/places/things in life just don't hold attention for too long. There are very few new things that hold my attention for more than a moment.

I am bored. I will be IM'ing 2-3 people, searching the net, watching tv, and listening to music all at the same time and still be looking for more to do. I'll have work to do and put it off day after day, just procrastinating for no reason. There are people more than willing to occupy my time and I just don't feel like calling them. Or they would have had my attention the day before and I don't feel like being around them today, but maybe sometime next week I will. I don't want to sit and have long conversations in the Ferg, I don't want to go to the movies, out to eat, etc. I'll go to parties and stay to the end… but not because I was having a great time, but because I was too lazy to leave and find something else to do. I'll want to talk to people, but not feel like calling them. I'll be thinking about someone all day but not take the time to contact them. I've stayed up to 2 in the morning doing absolutely nothing, just cuz I didn't feel like showering to get in the bed. Now and then something sparks my interest, but more than likely it fades pretty quick and then i am bored again.

 What's wrong with me?

I need more to do, keep myself and my mind occupied. I think I am happiest when I am busy, when I have too much to do and not enough hours in the day. Right now all these free time is not good for me. I needed a break, but I am ready for the next round of what life has to offer. Time to step my game back up and continue the takeover…. After Christmas break.

Truth About Time

"People make time for the people and things they want to."

It is one of my biggest pet peeves when people say they don't have time to do something. I'm sorry, but I just think that is a lie. The truth is they don't want to make time to do it. It may because they don't want to, or maybe because whatever(whoever) it is isn't high enough on their priority list. Whatever the case, if it was something(someone) important to them they would make time.

When I was in undergrad I was extremely busy. I had school, work, organizations, and "me time" just to keep my sanity. Now I will admit, I have used the "I don't have time" excuse, but I guarantee it was on something that I really just didn't want to do.  If there was someone I wanted to kick it with I made time for them. It may have been lunch, or meeting me in the library, something small. Or it may have been that they had to wait till the end of the week when everything calmed down. But the point is, I made time and let them know when I had time for them.

See, that's the thing. They may be busy today, or even all this week. But they are not busy for eternity. If you call/text and they are busy at the moment, or they will be busy when u want to do something that is acceptable. But if they wanted to talk or do whatever you wanted to do, they would call back later and give you an alternative time. That simple. At least in my opinion. But I may be wrong.

Now if it is an event that happens only at a specific time on a specific day, then not having time may be a valid excuse. Sometimes things are already planed and can't be moved, and therefore they technically don't have time. But if it is something that can be made to fit someone's schedule then not having time is just a lame excuse.

Chapter 3: Lust

Damn you was sexy when I saw you in the club

Tight lil top, short lil skirt, working that dub.

All in the spot twerking it real good,

Thinking to myself all the things that I would

Do to you if I got you back to home,

You and me and that baby making music alone.

So I got up on ya and grabbed that ass,

And you bent on over and started dancing real fast

Slow jam came on, you started grinding my dick,

And that’s when u started thinking wit your clit

Cuz you turned to me and said “Baby, what’s up?”

And “I could tell by the look in your eyes you wanna fuck.”

So I said to you “what you doing when the party ends.”

“I don’t even know, I road wit my friends.

But why don’t you let me ride with you?”

And our eyes said the things that our lips wouldn’t do.

Girl, please be quite. Don’t ruin the mood,

Lay sexy on the bed and be my horny food.

Thighs and breasts and lips and legs, and

Give it to me now, don’t make me beg.

This is not a like thing, or a love thing,

This is a fuck me now fuck me good, lust game.

Game to see who can make who cum first,

Game to see who’s face looks worst

When they reach the climax and let out a scream

And cover the other in that sticky white cream.

So let’s play to see if you will call out my name

And I bet you head I wont do the same.

Now stop all this talking and lay on the bed,

So I can come up between those legs wide spread

I grind your body as you grind mine,

And stroke after stroke, with our legs intertwined.

And stroke after stroke I go a lil deeper,

And stroke after stroke you get a lil weaker

The innermost parts of our bodies touching….

This shit aint worth finishing, it’s just fucking.

Truths about Life

Through my various conversations I have come to realize that there are certain truths about people and they way they interact with each other. I guess these would be life's equivalent to the Laws of Thermodynamics or Newton's Laws of Motion (remember I am an engineer), meaning these are basic fundamental concepts that can be used to explain why people say/do the things they do. These are the ones I have come across; please fell free to suggest others:

            "People make time for the people and things they want to."

            "We remember to do the things we want to remember."

            "People don't always have a right for everything they do, but they do have a reason."

            "It's not that people are not able to commit, they just are not willing to commit to you."

            "If someone loves you, nothing can keep them away; if they don't, nothing can make them stay."

I think that if people applied these truths to most situations they can save themselves a lot of stress and sleepless nights because they will at least understand why things are the way they are.

I kind of think the 2^nd one falls under the 1^st one, and I may have misquoted the last one. Please give me your thoughts/opinions. I plan to write on each of these "truths" in the following days.

You Just Know

I was having one of talks with a friend of mine. This is new scenario: she met this dude this is interested in making her is girlfriend, but she doesn't like him in that way. She admits that he is a good dude and there is no reason she shouldn't like him, but she doesn't. It's almost like she has tried to force herself to like him and it hasn't worked. So now it's to the point where she has pretty much been punked into a relationship with this guy, and as soon as she told me about it my response was "You don't even like this man." And now she has to tell all her other "friends" to back off, etc.

Her question to me was "why don't I like this guy? And when will I know when I like someone enough?" I told her I don't know.

I mean, why do we like the people we like? And why don't we like the people that we should? I could name scenario after scenario of couples that would have made sense but never happened. Shit, I can name a hand full of girls that would make good girlfriends, but I don't like on that level, at least not yet… and I can name a time when I was ready to give a title to someone that doesn't even fit my type.

So we continued our conversation a while longer and the only real answer I could give her was that "you just know." It takes me a while to get to the point that I want to make someone my girl but with every girl I was interested in enough to be exclusive with there was a gradual progression to the point where I was willing and ready to give up everyone else I was talking to for them. I was willing to give them the world and want noting in return. They didn't have to ask me to do it. It wasn't even a conscious effort. It was like as I gained interest in her, I lost interest in everyone else.

The people I really like become an idea, a feeling. When I think of them I don't picture there face, or how they look naked, or how good the sex was… it's a feeling I get when I think of them throughout the day. My heart gets heavy when I think about the next time I'll see them. 

You can't make yourself like someone. You can spend time with them, tell them u love them, buy them things, have sex with them, have sex with them, etc…but at the end of the day, it happens or it doesn't. And when it does, you just know.

Another Weird Dream

This time I was in one of the engineering buildings on my way to class but the way was blocked because of some construction. It was like they were tearing up the stairs to use the space under them for storage. But any, the walkway was blocked so I had to try to maneuver my way through it. I was at the other end when I bumped into this tall wobbly thing that started to lean when I hit it. So I had to grad it so it didn't fall into anything and other people rushed over to help.

After that I continue on the other side of the building but I guess class is cancelled because I start thinking I need to go back to the other side of the building. I can't go the way I came since I just made a fool of myself. So I proceed to walk up some sketchy stairs and when I get to the top the bridge (why a bridge and not a floor? I have no clue.) is missing panels in the bottom and all these people (some of which I know, but hadn't seen in forever) rush over to tell me that I can't walk across the bridge because the university will sue. So I come down and still can't get back.

I'm talking with the people about how I am going to get back and two of the professors come out and talk about how the got through the building, but that I can't do that because I don't know what I'm doing. At this point I remember thinking "why don't I just walk outside, and walk back in on that side of the building?" I must have taken my own advice because the next thing I know I am outside in front of the frat house but I am missing my book bag and all these kids are outside to take school photos or something.

So I am looking for the bag and one group of kids and another comes and I realize the pile of stuff near the stairs is not their book bags as I had thought before. It is ALL my shit!!! I mean book bag (with all the contents emptied out), keys, clothes, and the whole nine… So, at this point I am missed and wanna fight. I turn around and there is this hockey team in full uniforms behind me…we start fighting…but there are using their hockey stick and I am like a 3^rd degree black belt. I mean we go at it like a scene from Power Rangers… the end.

Weird Dream

I rarely dream...well, I rarely remember them.

So it's morning time and I am running late for class, a literature class at that (which I hadn't taken since high school.)  I was late because I could decide what to wear (odd) and I didn't care about being late because I was just sitting in the class and I didn't like the book. (So why was I in the class in the first place?) So this outfit I was tryin to figure out. Get this. It was a red, turquoise, and yellow shirt and some silver shoes with yellow and turquoise in them and I was tryin to decide whether I should wear jeans with or without a read stripe.

I had on the ones with the stripe and my mom said I should wear the other ones. She was like "let's go to the movies" so I just took the pants wit me and we went to the theater. We are sitting in the movies and random friends that I hadn't talked to in a min start blowing up my phone and I remember thinking "how is their name showing up, I lost all the numbers out of my old phone?" So I am sitting in the theater and decide to change my jeans. As I am pulling up the new jeans this man next to me (I am sitting on the end, he is right next to me, don't know where mom is) drops these two key rings on the floor. I reach out in the aisle (pants half up my thigh) and pick up the key rings, so of course I hear snickers from people seeing me bent over wit my pants down (weird). I had the man his stuff and he drops one of them again….I leave that shit down there.

So I am not really paying attention to the movie and then the lights come on and lil kids are running all over the place screaming. I decide this is a good opportunity to get free movie passes since this one got ruined. Somehow I communicate this to mom (telepathy maybe?) and I walk out the theater. I walk pass the counter and the line is too long so I look for mom then remember I left my jeans in my seat. I walk back in to get them and one my frat brothers is at the seat looking at the jeans. He asks me "you just get finish fucking?"

"Hell no."

"Why not?" – typical response from this dude.

I go back out to find mom, but I can't…the end.

Losing Hope

I am in college, so I have seen and heard about more than my fair share of lying, cheating, sleeping around, backstabbing – deception in general. But as long as I can remember there have been a select few women that kept my hope alive. I mean these girls are beautiful, intelligent, well spoken, well rounded and I thought faithful to their boyfriends. I mean these girls were nearly ideal in my opinion.

As a general rule, I try not to talk to females in relationships. It's a lose-lose situation in the long run. Either we kick it and I start liking them but "they got a man" or they start liking me back – and that's gonna lead to cheating. So from that point on I'd have a lil distrust for them. I mean if they cheated with me when they had a man, if we were to start something, I'd always wonder if they were cheating on me with the next dude. It would take A LOT for me to take them serious. So on top of the regular repercussions, talking to one of these "hope girls" would just RUIN the image… so I never even tried.

Here's the sad part: In recent months, more and more of this image has been shattered. I had hoped among all the cheating, sleeping around, and deception that they were a few that had some good sense. They gave me hope that when I FINALLY decided to be in a relationship that I could have a girl on this level and not have to worry about what they were doing. I mean I could actually TRUST her. But here I come to find out that some of these girls are cheating TOO. I know you can't believe everything you hear, but I got some pretty compelling evidence. Alas, I guess everyone's cheating and some people are just better at hiding it.

And where are the friends of these people when they cheating? Because I am sure that someone besides the cheaters knows what's going on. Are the friends like, "go ahead and get that on the side" or "you need to stop before you get caught"? If they pushing you to cheat, are they gonna be there to comfort you when you fuck up a good thing?

But shit, it's so common place to cheat, get caught, and "work it out" that it probably doesn't even matter. People just assume that's part of a relationship these days.

Maybe I'll just stay single, at least then I can just ASSUME they're with someone else when they're not with me. Easier on the heart… no guess work.

Knowing...

Contrary to the popular belief that "ignorance is bliss" I have to say knowing is beautiful.

So I FINALLY went and got my results of the STD test I took like 3 weeks ago. Part of the reason I aint gotten it before was lack of time…. But fear of knowing was a factor as well. I was talking to a friend of mine about the situation and she insisted that I had nothing to worry about. True, I have never had unprotected sex; true I hadn't been with any high risk partners, and NO, I don't use drugs or share needles. But I was as worried as anyone else would be.

At the beginning of the semester there had been a lot of forums and discussions on STD's and HIV's and the stats were alarming. Yeah, condoms are highly effective at protecting most STD's a pregnancy. Here are some stats I found off of a GA Tech website:

Statistics

The following statistics are from the fact sheet "The Truth About Latex Condoms," developed by the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the U.S. (SIECUS).

1. Condoms are 98% effective when used correctly.

2. The average failure rate for condoms is 12%: reflective of people who do not use them properly or do not use them every time they have intercourse.

3. Laboratory tests show that neither sperm, which has a diameter of 3 microns, nor STD-causing organisms, which are a quarter to a ninth the size of sperm, can penetrate an intact latex condom.

4. If there is a leak in more than 4 per 1,000 condoms, the entire lot (approximately 5,000) is discarded.

OK, so if I have protected sex 100 times with a person that has an STD, does that mean I should get it twice? I don't know about ya'll but that 2% is enough reason for me to worry. Do you realize how much your life will (should) change if u found out u had HIV? Not to mention all the skin-to-skin STD's. Condoms are only 27% effective for those. And ORAL SEX? Who uses a condom for that?

So yes…I had a decreased chance of catching something but I still HAD reason to worry. Not that I didn't trust my partners…I don't trust who they been with. So, like I said knowing is beautiful, and I know that I am STD free.

50 Guys / 50 Girls

Woke up this morning, wide eyed to the world,

And the 1^st thought that hit me was 50 guys and 50 girls.

100 virtuous souls for Zion’s New seed,

Only because we neglected to take heed

Back in the day when they discovered global warming

And now cities drown because ice caps stop forming.

Massive winds, heavy rain ransacked NO

Made a huge muddy puddle of a city already 6 feet below

Hurricane Katrina damn new killed the whole South,

And all politicians did was run their mouth

About whose fault it was that the poor blacks were still there

And discuss that Kanye said that Bush didn’t care.

1 gaint wave and no warning alarm

Laid waster to poor India people and ruined their farms

All the world just sat back and took a look

Like this was some shit from a fictional story book.

It’s hot outside and we all complain

About sweltering heat and heavy rain

Hot today and cold the day before

All uncomfortable because of what we wore.

We look to weather man like “man, what’s up?’

And what he won’t tell you is that the earth is FUCKED UP

Mother Nature is feed up with all the lil kids

And finally punishing us for all that we did

Smoked up the air and polluted the sea

Thought we could take all we wanted from her for free.

Burn the oil, the gas, and black coal

And now for payment she takes poor souls.

Woke up this morning, before the sun hit my eye

1^st thought I had, 50 girls and 50 guys.

100 pure souls for Zion’s 1^st breath

Because humanity now mass produces death.

In 2001, 11^th day of September,

I sat on my bed and I remember

Thinking they’ve gotten tired of being pushed around

Because now they’ve brought death and destruction on our ground

Several trouble souls took over the air

And told 100 unlucky passengers that they didn’t care

That they had families: children, husbands and wives

And that they would soon take his, theirs and 1000 other lives.

They made an old man’s predictions come all too true

Smoke, fire, and blood on a canvas sky blue.

A war we’re fighting and noone knows why

But everyday more American soldiers will die

For a cause they may, or may not believe in.

Just so W’s friends can count the dividends

Off of Mother Earth’s crude oil vein

But Bush continues to say the same

Old story about they’re there for democracy

And expects us to believe the hypocrisy

We all know it’s the root of all evil

That keeps your mind acting all feeble

To believe that we would be the only ones

With that nuclear sort of gun

Who the fuck cares if they tested a war head?

After the first one is launched, we’ll all be soon dead.

If they fire first and we fire back

The smoke and radiation will turn the sky black

So the sun will cease and comes the acid rain

And we’ll all witness the break down of the food chain

As death and destruction take over the earth

We’ll all wonder was it really worth

The cost of our lives for some petty fight

Over who’s guns bigger and who’s idea is right.

Woke up this morning, 1^st thought I gave

Was about 100 lives for the world to save

50 guys/50 girls for Zion’s fresh start

Culturally responsible and versed in the arts

Blessed with the knowledge to start the world anew

To repopulate to planet from just those few

Free from corruption, destruction and deadly disease

Create a near perfect society with near perfect ease

And learn from this worlds constant mistakes

And I hope that the next round we will make

Better choices for our sons and daughters

To prevent more innocent lives from the slaughter

Until that day, we’ll wait for the end

As life after life pays for his father’s sin

And when it’s time for us to start a new world,

I send all my hope with 50 guys and 50 girls.

Chapter 2: Like

I like you…

Rarely said, so when I do, you know it’s true.

More than just interest in getting to know you,

More than you’re cute, with a nice shape and I like your face.

More like dinner, movie, and back to your place.

When people ask it’s not “we just kicking it, she’s real cool.”

Because I got 100 bois who wouild love their shot at you.

No…. I like you.

I’ve taken the time to get to know you, for you to get to know me

Heart beats faster when you’re close with thought of what might be

Nervous to know what each day will bring,

Will it last a day, a month and past the naked season of the spring.

Enjoying the process, not concerned with the end

The fun of the chase, the courtship, of becoming closer friends

Now before I like you, you were just some other chic

Someone to call, have lunch, and maybe kick it wit

Didn’t care who you were with, or what you was doing

Let alone who was on your team, and who you was screwing

Yet the fact is we probably talked about it, so I already knew

So at least we’re entering this thing with all the secrets in plain view.

So now it’s time to make a choice

Will we listen to our hearts and ignore the voice

That says “why limit yourself, there’s 1000 others,

It’s easy and fun to jump from one them to another.”

Or continue to hide from facing the fact

That this is more than a fling, more than an act.

Come on, admit it, you like me too.

Seen you thinking it, and almost said it more times than a few.

I’mma keep it real, there’s no turning around

Either we move this thing forward or I’ve got both feet stuck in the ground

Because once I’ve put my feeling up on the wall

Without your co-sign I’ll stop the visits, the dates and the calls

I can’t do that kind of torture to myself,

Knowing you’re here with me, waiting on someone else.

So go ahead and put this to an end,

We’ll go back to those “speaking in passing” sort of friends

I know it may seem mean, but that is what sane people do,

When they finally get to the point of actually liking you.

Chapter 1: Friendship

Ok, so if you've been reading the blogs there is a poem called "Lesson Learned." In if there is a line that goes, "Friendship, like, lust, love are all chapters of life's book." In essence saying that they are all possible steps in a relationship (on any level). So, here is chapter one: friendship.

“What’s up baby?” We speak, but we’re not close,

we talk in passing, same way we do with most.

We just recently met, somewhere on campus I think

Weren’t any fireworks, inviting smile, not even a wink.

But we keep speaking, making that small talk,

Not that in depth convo, just the kind when you walk

Across campus, through the union and down the hall,

Talking about everything from class to who you saw at the mall

And maybe one day when I think it’s worth the time

I’ll ask for your number, or offer up mine

And maybe we’ll call, we’ll talk in the phone

When I’m not busy, and you’re all alone

And day by day, talk by talk the bond becomes stronger

Small talk to deep stuff, our convo’s become longer.

But truth be told, something may happen and we’ll take a break

Then we’ll bump in passin and from our silence we’ll wake

Asking what’s goin on, trying to get back up to date

And if the stars are aligned and the mood is right

One will ask the other to call them later that night.

“What’s up lady? How u doing? Where you been?

Called to check up, called to see about my lost friend.

Called to see what’s new in your ever changing life,

Whether if be happiness, sadness, stress, strain, or strife,

I’m here to lend a hand, and ease the pain.

I’m not that fair weather friend, I’m here in the rain.”

Heard about friends, to boyfriends, to significant others

And gave advise from one again, to this one, to another.

But through it all I’ll have your back,

Even when the other so called friends are talking smack

I know the deal. I know you. Inside and out.

I know what your worse fears and what your dreams are about.

And when others fall by the wayside and prove untrue

You don’t have to worry because this friendship,

 It’s about the bond between me and you.

Another Again? DAMN!!!

John Legend has a track called Another Again (#12) on his new CD. It's about him and her trying to make it work but they are STUCK in an endless cycle, and he knows that in the end it will just be Another Again…

Ok, so just in the last 24 hours I have seen 2 of my friends getting ready to get caught back up in the same cycle with their EX, and the only question I have for them is WHY? This is the common scenario. Something happens (cheating, fight, lying, outside influences), they break up, stop communicating, start talking again, have sex, try to work it out, and then start all over again. Sound familiar? I know all of you know SOMEONE that has been through, or is going through this same thing.

I just don't understand. I mean both of these girls have been in this cycle FOR YEARS. I understand the thought of feeling like you've invested TOO MUCH and want to see it out…but 2-3 years later is time to cut your losses and move on. Back then they were complaining about the investment, but years later? That is time you could have been investing in someone worth your presence.

Ok, so maybe I do know WHY they keep going in circles….but I still don't understand. I've seen this many times... Sometimes it's because they love their significant other, but they're just using them for sex; sometimes it's just for sex (people got their needs); sometimes it's because this significant other is the ONLY thing they know and they literally feel LOST without them.

I understand every relationship (friendship-> marriage) has its cycles of up and downs. But there should be more ups than downs, right? U shouldn't be crying yourself to sleep and thinking about doing yourself or someone else bodily harm. Even after the worst fight EVER, you shouldn't feel like SHIT. AND even if u don't talk for 2 weeks-2 months you should know that you can and will be ok without them, that you are a COMPLETE person on your own.

Ok, so I have been in a cycle. I was. I think I was the cause of the cycle, she was not the type to initiate ANYTHING. It wasn't over sex, or cheating, or anything like that. I think my cycle was powered by the unknown. Both of us wanting to date again, but wanting to keep the other in our corner. We had our periods of on again, off again till one day I asked if we were better together or apart. She said it wasn't a question of better, but easier. She was kinda implying that it was emotionally taxing. Understandable, right? So that day I made a silent promise to end the cycle. And I think it's best I did, otherwise the cycle might have killed our friendship. Something much too valuable. So, if someone cares for you like I cared for her, shouldn't they do they same thing and let you go? If they know that it is UNHEALTHY, shouldn't they care enough for your happiness to let u go?

1,000 Miles Back and the Next 5 Yrs

It took five years and a thousand miles to get where we are,

We learned to drive, I bought a car,

We turned 21, we learned to drink at the bar, and

We went from T-shirts to Polos, from sweat pants to low-lows,

From childish games, to the game of life,

Thinking about fathering children, to you being a wife,

From thinking we was grown, to knowing it was breathing down our necks,

And trying to figure out what in life comes next,

From out of nowhere, to a place where everyone knows your name,

From a private life to a lot of unwanted fame,

From speaking in passing, to passing to speak,

From not speaking at all, to speaking ‘bout everyday of the week,

From drunk on my doorstep, to crunk in the club,

From being flat broke, to wasting a dub, and

You taught me to stop caring about the outsiders looking in,

Because to play the game, gotta play to win,

And now 5yrs and 1,000 miles later, farther away but closer than ever

Had our bad times and good times, but we’ve stood through rough weather,

Been there through boyfriends and girlfriends and significant others

Been as far as a stranger, but as close as a brother, and

It took us 5yrs and 1000 miles to bring our souls close,

And if it goes no further we’re still closer than most,

So right here and now I want to say cheers,

To 1000 miles back, and the next 5 years.

Sometimes

Sometimes I wonder what you’re doing, what you’re wearing, are you alone, and

Sometimes I start to call, but listen to nothing but the dial tone, and

Sometimes I think that you play songs with me in mind & not that it’s just another love song with a sappy love line, and

Sometimes I hope that I’m the thought that bothers your heart, and

Sometimes I hope that you’ll face your fears and let me in, and

Sometimes I wonder if you’ll happened before life happens and let love win, and

Sometimes I play a song because it reminds me of you, and

Sometimes I cut it off because it reminds me of the times when It was just us two, and

Sometimes I wonder if I am wasting my time writing this rhyme, and

Sometimes I go out with her to forget about you and something jogs my memory about how

Sometimes I feel too deep to give up now, and

Sometimes Dream about you and don’t know why, then open my eyes up to the sky, and

Sometimes I hold my tongue to keep the peace, and

Sometimes I come on a lil strong, and u ignore my notes and do my wrong, and

Sometimes I stare at jpeg files to see your many faces and many smiles, and

Sometimes I want to let go and move on with my life, and find the girl who’ll be my wife, and

Sometimes I wonder if that’s your place, that I’m your King and you’re my ace, and

Sometimes I wonder if this restoration of faith in good men will in the end help someone else touch your beautiful black skin, and

Sometimes I wonder if we’ll stop playing games, talking about each other without naming names, and

Sometimes I wonder if this cycle will end, cuz I feel like a dog chasing its tail, I get real close, but still can’t win.

Letter to My Better Whole

Why would I need my better half?

I mean all of me is standing right here. Rather it’s my left half, my right half, my top half, or my bottom half, my better half stands with my worse half, my worse half with my better half, and both my halves stand together. My halves form a whole; my whole has no divisions, so I ask again, “Why would I need my better half?”

I don’t. I need my better whole.

I need a whole person, complete with their own set of dreams and aspirations and not the thoughts of trying to piggy back off mine.

See, it’s ok to accept a half if you’re looking for completion, but I want completeness. I don’t’ want to complete her, she shall not complete me, for at our time of meeting we shall already be whole. And we’ll grow in our completeness, making each other better people, not just better halves.

My better whole will meet me halfway, matching what I bring to this table called life. In a battle of wits she’ll have her own arsenal of sarcasm and punch lines. She’ll complement my sharp tongue with her own array of rhetoric come backs and smart ass remarks.

She’ll be the fun house mirror reflection of me, having all my qualities in her own quantities and our marriage will be the birth of the next great power couple with a capital HNIC.

Beneath the layers of motivation, determination, aspiration, sexual temptation, and sensual sensation lays the 12 yr old version of us, having middle school’s version of fun, but laughing like grown folks do.

I mean, if I am to be THE, she will definitely be THEONE not to be easily outdone by the masses or cheated by societies classes. Challenging the norm, breaking the mold, surpassing expectations by more than 10 fold.

And still my left half next to my right half, my top half over my bottom half, my better half stands with my worse half, my worse half with my better half, and both my halves stand together. My halves form a whole; my whole has no divisions, so I ask again, “Why would I need my better half?”

1st Tear Shed from Bottle Emotions

A lifetime transformation of a violent temper has left has cooled my nerves and actions but left me with a cellar full of bottled emotions. Quick to think, but slow to react I funneled each angered moment in it’s on personal vessel to be safety stored in the darkest corners of my own mind. Never to be touched, never to be altered, never to be dealt with. Self-restraint has tried to rid me of hells rage: body temperature rises, eyes widen, teeth grit, and my actions are taken over by my subconscious which acts before I have time to think. My conscience takes a back seat to rage and rage hold the keys to my body, my mouth, my sprit. Everything happens in slow motion. These demons, it resides in these bottles, these bottled of emotions. The ones I hide for fear of revelation will be taken unheard, un-listened to, unreturned—crushed. I liked, I cared, I loved. I disliked, I loathed, I hated. I can’t take anymore. I have become indifferent. I have emotions but have become unemotional. I have become a person shielded from the masses. A loner. A one man team. Appearing nonchalant. Appearing not to be bothered. Time’s lessons taught me a layer of thick skin. Thick skin allowing me to take the worst to achieve life’s best. It failed. She got inside, and as my body tensed, temperature rose, hands gripped the wheel I prepared for the worst but was surprised by emotion in it’s purist form. The liquid seeps porn from the cellar, born in my eye, worn on my cheek, and scorn died in my lip. At that moment I commenced funeral service for my first tear shed from bottled emotions. 

What Time Is It?

Tick, tick, tock. I sit listening to my watch. Time's passing away, never to be recovered. I'm talking about good times, bad times, fun times, rough times, and all the times in between that I'm trying to share with you.

Do you remember the time? The time you said that you feel good when you're around me? I felt the same and ask for more of your time. I'm talking about that quality time, that us time, that time only happens once in a blue moon time, but when it does…it's time well spent.

Now time out! I ask for time, but it's always a bad time. You claim to have no free time. I understand you got class time, work time, nap time, bed time, and dinner time, but shit, you even got party and play time, but that damn watch of yours never manages to get to my time.

Now me, I put in overtime at the clock factory just to make time for you. But it's like I'm a full time man stuck in a part time job, trying to come up on more time. I'm suffocating at the bottom of the hourglass trying to plug the hole with one hand and reach out to you with the other.

So I ask "is this a waste of time?" You act like time stands still and reply, "Naw, I got ya next time." We both agree that we don't have enough time, so while I attempt to cherish the time we have, you play hard to get like time is all we have.

They say time is money, then that means money is time and if I had a reason I could turn paper and plastic into precious time. Time would grow wings and fly. But not away, it'd fly us to where we wanted to be, where we needed to be. I'd make our days and nights last longer, and the sunrise last till the end of time. But why put forth the effort, why spend my time? I just need you to meet me half way, but you act like it's not worth your time. So why dedicate my time if it's not an effective use of time?

Like the band at half time, life's moving double time. Time is running out, and though time is short I believe there's no time like the present. So I sit alone on the sands of time waiting for you to show up and ask, "What time is it?"

Time

Time can be good, the best, bad, or the worst. It can be fun, great, rough, personal, or quality. It can be free, but they say time is money. So I don't waste my time. I need extra time but there just ain't enough of the right time. I mean they got full time, part time, half time, double time, and even in between time. They got time that flies, time that runs, and even a lil box of time that stands still, but that's only for the dreamers. I went to the game section and they had time in, time out, and even overtime. I tried out the time travel but that was the last time I try to go back in time. That shit was the same as the first time. And then just in the nick of time I found the factory where they make time. I spoke with Father Time and asked about the stuff u always be telling me about. He told me that time doesn't come in excuses. I'm starting to think you just made that shit up.

I Understand

...why you ignore my messages when I express to you how I really feel deep down on the inside, where I keep all the things that I tell only the chosen few. Why you just don't respond the times I need you to respond the most. It's like those pure, raw emotions catch you off guard and you just don't know what to do. Your first instinct is to sigh, shake your head, and do nothing. So another comes with more emotion, more feeling, more of everything that I wish you had for me.

Now I understand, because I do it too, and have done it before, but will try not to again. And didn't realize how it feels to be on this side and see what it does on the other.

I do it, except not to you. To another that wants me the way I want you and I laugh at the irony. It's ironic that you could have me, I could have her but we both seek that that's unobtainable. I realize that as close as we are, as much as we share, no matter how many of my hearts lyrics I put in word that it's easier for you to ignore them than to sing in love's harmony.

Easier to ignore than to respond and when confronted you say "I just don't know what to say." I say tell the truth and let my heart ache for a day than strain for the unreachable for a lifetime.

So maybe I'll look behind me and give her that energy that you reject. I'll concentrate on her the way I did you, then maybe my eyes will have strength enough to see in her more than just a friend. Maybe you'll look back too, but it doesn't even matter because at least now I understand. 

Word's Worth

I am very direct.

Tell you what I think I want, need,

For me, from you, for us.

No lies, deception or hidden motives.

I ask for what I want,

And tell you exactly what I am gonna do.

You take my words and read between the lines

To find words and undertones that aren't there.

You act like I said or did things

That are only in existence in your predictions

Based on your last man’s actions

Erase your preconceived notions and

LISTEN

I say “I want you”

I do.

I say “I need a friend”

It’s you.

I say “I need you”

It’s true.

Caught in the Zone

Deep dark black hole of nothingness

Taking, never giving.

Sucking up everything in its path.

Takes hopes and dreams from men and women

And replaces them with the fact that you’re just not good enough.

Closer than most,

But not close enough.

On the team

But never getting any playing time.

Knows all the secrets,

But steals any that you may have had together.

Stills the tongue silences the heart, and blinds the eyes.

Punishment that seems a lifetime.

Escape attempts only dig you deeper.

Few get out,

Only because empty time dissolved the bars,

Or they both thought they were frozen in the others eye

But never truly were.

Timing: too soon, too late

Is my common crime

But your simple existence can get you life without parole

A one person judge and jury seals your fate

And soon to be banished to

The Friend Zone

Talk

They talked.

Said we were a couple,

Because I was glad to see you,

Because we were seen smiling together in public,

Because you came to visit and they were alone.

Jealously, they talked.

Said we danced like the sex they never had,

Because you came to see me and passed them by,

Because we had more fun on the dance floor.

Then you talked about what they said,

And I listened.

Made it sound like a bad thing.

Like you were ashamed of what they said.

Like it hurt you because they assumed

Like I was blocking their advances

Like I wasn’t good enough for you

So, you stopped, we stopped,

But they didn’t.

They talked

Told me you were crazy,

Then I remember your drunken plea

And the times you snapped over nothing.

Told me you were a liar

Then I investigated the truths turned raw from lines before

Told me you were the Mississippi Hoe

Crept in the night

Lied and deceived men while taking your fill

I didn’t listen

Soon,

I saw,

You denied.

Next time you talk,

I’ll not listen

Because according to you

We never talked

Do U See Me?

I see you.

I secretly long to smell you, touch you, hold you, taste you.

I want to kiss and comfort you,

To be all the things that Adam is to Eve.

Yet,

You are my forbidden fruit.

Sitting there so red, so juicy, so ripe,

But able to cause such pain and torment.

Yet, your mere presence changes my mood,

Lightens my load and warms my heart.

We talk and time stops.

Standing face to face,

Staring into your eyes,

Taking peaks at your lips

As they give birth to each verbal thought.

As I feed off you energy and mix mine with yours

I wonder: “What is meant to be?”

Is it destined for our souls to dance,

Dance to the cadence of our hearts till the setting of the sun.

I wonder if you have ever,

Or will ever think of me that way.

Or is it a one sided affair.

Now seems like all that matters,

But as college years swiftly pass

And I climb that next step on my stairway to heaven.

I fear to strain the delicate balance of warm emotions

Molded conversation by conversation into our friendship.

And realize that I have the rest of time to speak my heart.

Today,

I’d rather stay in the garden

Than risk the wrath of the forbidden fruit,

So at least for now I’ll keep it a secret and wonder

“Do you see me?”

Lesson Learned

I admit it, It’s my fault. I played the fool.

Wind’s lips kiss my ears,

And told me that your heart was not with me.

So, I left you alone.

Friendship, like, lust, love are chapters of life’s book,

And heated talks told me that we were not on the same page,

So, again I left you alone.

You said “I miss you, I want to see you.”

But actions speak louder than words and you screamed the truth:

You just wanted to keep me around.

I was your “Mr. Just in Case.”

In case your girls were out of town,

In case Mr. Now wasn’t around,

In case you wanted a free night on the town.

But, I refused

I refused to be treated like I was 2^nd rate,

The standby date.

So, for the 3^rd time I left you alone.

3 times I tried to leave you alone

Stopped calling, texting, speaking, and stopping by,

But I guess you missed the attention.

So each time you filled my ears with false hopes.

Hope enough to string me along,

To digest the lies you fed me.

I was lied to, mislead, deceived 

And filled with promises never made good.

We define our relationship in plain black and white,

But you held truth to nothing but the dotted line

That you used to walk the line divide between friend and foe.

Soon truths inverted tipped the scale and suffocated the dream

So in case you didn’t hear or understand…

For the last time,

I’m leaving you alone.

After The ICE Melts

Before I came in from the frozen rain that had shined my skin a pharaoh's tint of golden brown you treated me as if you were to be wanted after and didn't want me around. But from these ashes I've risen to trek across the scorching desert and survive. Now you crave my attention, yet yesterday I wasn't alive. Truth is, before I grew a primate's hair, you didn't care about me or who I've grown to be, or how I'd always been the strong black man found so rare. It's you that's changed, paying more attention to what I say and what I do, cause now you think I'm somebody, but me, I already knew. The only things that's changed is that I got a few new names, last one's got two parts, first one's still the same. Now you're ready to make a fuss, talking about you've ready settle down, ready for us. But its got me wondering are these feelings truly heart felt, are they 1st and eternal, or a result of 3 notches on my belt, and soon to vanish after the ice melts?