Friday, December 20, 2002

My Fault: Letter to a Lost Love

            I let other’s thoughts and opinions influence my own, and in the end if was the two of us that ended up hurt. The week that followed the termination of our union was pure punishment for my sin. My body felt physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. Unable to focus on my work, all aspects of my life suffered. I had withdrawn from friends and family, but the weight on my heart is that you had withdrawn from me, for within a few minutes of the word that ended our life I realized my certain damnation. It was too late. Your eyes shed a million tears, and millions more set silent on my heart. I begged for your forgiveness, for another chance, for a chance for things to be as they should have been. But I had cracked your heart that you had so trustfully left in my possession. The smooth pedals from roses weren’t the remedy to the infection I had caused for us both.
            In the months that followed our friendship roses from the ashes of our former life and we grew close again. I never tried to regain your heart in the way I once held it. One reason: I had never really let it go; the other: I feared you rejection.  I tried in the period after I had let you go and you made it clear to me that it couldn’t happen.
            Even in the minutes before you revealed your new love interest to me, I naively hoped you were returning to me. I was, at least crushed, hurt, and my heart was shadowed over. I completely withdrew from you. It hurt to think of you, to look at you, to smell your scent, to hear your voice. The very idea of you without me hurt.
            My silence, it risked our friendship, but at that point I couldn’t stand to be your friend because I had always known you as more than that. So you taught me, as I had taught you before, not to let go and forget about people so easy.
            Without you in my heart to keep me sane, my lust soon talked me into things I soon regretted. Even in the time we were apart I always acted as if you were my girl, and I tried to do nothing that would jeopardize that. Now I feel that I could have had you back if I had had the courage to express my feelings. The calls, the visits, you wanting me to visit, wanting to spend time with me. You never said it but you gave me ample time and opportunity to get you back. But I was too stupid, arrogant, and foolish to realize it. I was treading water waiting on you, and you had already given up on me and moved. I can blame no one but myself. Till this day I daydream of the memories we had together and wonder will there ever be time to fix my mistakes. For although I never told you, I truly loved you.