I let
other’s thoughts and opinions influence my own, and in the end if was the two
of us that ended up hurt. The week that followed the termination of our union
was pure punishment for my sin. My body felt physically, mentally, and
emotionally drained. Unable to focus on my work, all aspects of my life
suffered. I had withdrawn from friends and family, but the weight on my heart
is that you had withdrawn from me, for within a few minutes of the word that
ended our life I realized my certain damnation. It was too late. Your eyes shed
a million tears, and millions more set silent on my heart. I begged for your
forgiveness, for another chance, for a chance for things to be as they should
have been. But I had cracked your heart that you had so trustfully left in my
possession. The smooth pedals from roses weren’t the remedy to the infection I
had caused for us both.
In the
months that followed our friendship roses from the ashes of our former life and
we grew close again. I never tried to regain your heart in the way I once held
it. One reason: I had never really let it go; the other: I feared you
rejection. I tried in the period after I
had let you go and you made it clear to me that it couldn’t happen.
Even in the
minutes before you revealed your new love interest to me, I naively hoped you
were returning to me. I was, at least crushed, hurt, and my heart was shadowed
over. I completely withdrew from you. It hurt to think of you, to look at you,
to smell your scent, to hear your voice. The very idea of you without me hurt.
My silence,
it risked our friendship, but at that point I couldn’t stand to be your friend
because I had always known you as more than that. So you taught me, as I had
taught you before, not to let go and forget about people so easy.
Without you
in my heart to keep me sane, my lust soon talked me into things I soon
regretted. Even in the time we were apart I always acted as if you were my
girl, and I tried to do nothing that would jeopardize that. Now I feel that I
could have had you back if I had had the courage to express my feelings. The
calls, the visits, you wanting me to visit, wanting to spend time with me. You
never said it but you gave me ample time and opportunity to get you back. But I
was too stupid, arrogant, and foolish to realize it. I was treading water
waiting on you, and you had already given up on me and moved. I can blame no
one but myself. Till this day I daydream of the memories we had together and
wonder will there ever be time to fix my mistakes. For although I never told
you, I truly loved you.
