Sunday, August 26, 2007

bitterSWEET Blaque PhairyTail

So I was spending some quality time with my mom while watching Diary of a Mad Black Woman, one of the black fairy tales where despite all adversity the woman has the courage and strength to leave heartache and pain in the past and is saved by the dude who is better for her future, who makes her happy.  I made comment that it was “sweet” that she ended up with ol dude but that “that shit doesn’t happen in real life.” So a conversation about me and my relationships soon followed.

I admitted to my mom that I think that I am a lil bitter when it comes to relationships. Each time I try harder, each time it hurts more. My past experiences have taught me to assume that if a girl isn’t with me or doesn’t answer the phone what she’s with another guy. I know this isn’t always truth…but when there turns out to be another guy in the picture that she chooses over me then it’s no surprise. In fact, I was expecting it. Let’s be serious. How many people do you know in or out of relationships that are only seeing ONE person?

I try to be the best man I know how to be and I hope that that special woman finds her way into my life and at the end of the day we’d be together. I don’t lie. I don’t cheat.  I’ll tell a girl if I am dating someone else. I really don’t have too much to hide. I listen. I care. I hold.  I watch. I watch a thousand other dudes not half of what I am walk off with the types of women I hope to end up with, so I wonder. What da hell am I doing wrong?

It’s rare that I find someone I REALLY like. I date, I kick it, etc. But you can do that with anyone who doesn’t get on your nerves. But on the few occasions have come across someone who really gets my interest; I mean one that has that drive and motivation and “UMPH” that holds my attention past the physical, I have been willing to and tried to give my all. I have done everything from flowers, to cutting off everyone else, to being that listening ear, to being there in that time of need, to putting girls on planes, to all expense paid trips and I honestly don’t have anything to show for it.

So yes, I am a lil bitter. I feel used and abused. I feel I’ve offered the world and was given a pebble. I feel hopeless. To the ones who had enough respect for me and themselves to be up front with me and just tell me the truth when I asked for it, I truly thank you. To the few I think were too scared, too stubborn, or childish to embrace something real, I hope you’re ready next time love presents itself. To the selfish ones who gave me that “ray of hope” just so things could drag on as long as it convenient and entertaining for them, you can kick rocks and die.  Seriously.

So now there is a new girl. I love her work ethic, her want for self improvement, her voice, and her independence. The problem is she gives me that same “I don’t know…I really hadn’t thought about it…I’ve got a lot of stuff going on right now” that I’ve heard before. Honestly she does have a lot going on so it could be legit, but my first instinct is to run for the hills and get out before I’m in too deep. But what if I am punishing her for the actions of “previous cats”? What if I stick around and after the rain she’s the one that’s meant for me? To find that ONE would be sweet as nectar, but to be taken on another ride would just make me more bitter.

I am really thinking that with all the stuff I have put up with and taken on that HE has someone special waiting for me.

I always thought (and kinda still hope) that my life would be one of those black fairytales but maybe I’m the one that needs to be saved.