So I was spending some quality time with my mom while
watching Diary of a Mad Black Woman, one of the black fairy tales where
despite all adversity the woman has the courage and strength to leave heartache
and pain in the past and is saved by the dude who is better for her future, who
makes her happy. I made comment that it
was “sweet” that she ended up with ol dude but that “that shit doesn’t happen
in real life.” So a conversation about me and my relationships soon followed.
I admitted to my mom that I think that I am a lil bitter
when it comes to relationships. Each time I try harder, each time it hurts
more. My past experiences have taught me to assume that if a girl isn’t with me
or doesn’t answer the phone what she’s with another guy. I know this isn’t
always truth…but when there turns out to be another guy in the picture that she
chooses over me then it’s no surprise. In fact, I was expecting it. Let’s be
serious. How many people do you know in or out of relationships that are only
seeing ONE person?
I try to be the best man I know how to be and I hope that
that special woman finds her way into my life and at the end of the day we’d be
together. I don’t lie. I don’t cheat. I’ll tell a girl if I am dating someone else.
I really don’t have too much to hide. I listen. I care. I hold. I watch. I watch a thousand other dudes not
half of what I am walk off with the types of women I hope to end up with, so I
wonder. What da hell am I doing wrong?
It’s rare that I find someone I REALLY like. I date, I kick
it, etc. But you can do that with anyone who doesn’t get on your nerves. But on
the few occasions have come across someone who really gets my interest; I mean
one that has that drive and motivation and “UMPH” that holds my attention past
the physical, I have been willing to and tried to give my all. I have done
everything from flowers, to cutting off everyone else, to being that listening
ear, to being there in that time of need, to putting girls on planes, to all
expense paid trips and I honestly don’t have anything to show for it.
So yes, I am a lil bitter. I feel used and abused. I feel
I’ve offered the world and was given a pebble. I feel hopeless. To the ones who
had enough respect for me and themselves to be up front with me and just tell
me the truth when I asked for it, I truly thank you. To the few I think were
too scared, too stubborn, or childish to embrace something real, I hope you’re
ready next time love presents itself. To the selfish ones who gave me that “ray
of hope” just so things could drag on as long as it convenient and entertaining
for them, you can kick rocks and die. Seriously.
So now there is a new girl. I love her work ethic, her want
for self improvement, her voice, and her independence. The problem is she gives
me that same “I don’t know…I really hadn’t thought about it…I’ve got a lot of
stuff going on right now” that I’ve heard before. Honestly she does have a lot
going on so it could be legit, but my first instinct is to run for the hills
and get out before I’m in too deep. But what if I am punishing her for the
actions of “previous cats”? What if I stick around and after the rain she’s the
one that’s meant for me? To find that ONE would be sweet as nectar, but to be
taken on another ride would just make me more bitter.
I am really thinking that with all the stuff I have put up
with and taken on that HE has someone special waiting for me.
I always thought (and kinda still hope) that my life would
be one of those black fairytales but maybe I’m the one that needs to be saved.
No comments:
Post a Comment