Fight or Flight: The Break Up Reflex

Orginally published on SingleBlackMale

My break up – was over sex and religion. We’d had the conversation several times before - even before we got together, but we kept going back to the bedroom.  I started feeling really convicted over the sex. The last time I approached her about it she knew I was serious (for the moment), she said it was fine and she wouldn’t leave – that she understood, that would be OK. Within 3 days, things got rough and we broke up. She said the only reason a man stops sleeping with a woman is either he is cheating, had something (STI), or religion. Her final words were, “This is not what I signed up for. I don’t want to come between you and God.”  - She literally gave me an ultimatum between sex and God. I chose my God. So here I am reflecting on past relationships.

The survival fight-or-flight instinct is an automatic reaction that occurs in response to a harmful attack or threat to survival. It’s a really cool theory; it protects us from being hurt - and I think it also applies to relationships. I won’t claim to be a relationship expert, but I have experienced my fair share of them, and when they are ending you have two options: Either you fight for the relationship, or you fly and walk away from it.

We’ve all been through relationships and breakups. It’s a part of life. Most of us will have more failed relationships than successful ones. We have to go through a few Miss RightNows before we find our queens. Failed relationships teach us a lot – what we will and won’t put up with and what we do and don’t like. They are a learning experience and we should hope not to repeat the same mistakes. But what’s really important is why we break up. Last time I was dumped – after the raw emotions subsided, I took some time to think about why the relationship ended. When people break up I believe the reasons fit into two main categories: things you are willing to change and those you can’t.  Based on the reason you can decide rather to fight – and fix the problem, or fly – because the situation is beyond you’re control.

As a man, my natural tendency is to fight, regardless of the reason of the breakup. It’s the “how dare you dump me” reflex. There’s absolutely no reason behind that other than male ego and pride. However, in reality there are only certain things that are worth fighting for – the things you are willing to change and are worth changing. The worthiness of those changes is based on your commitment to the situation. If your girl tells you she needs more attention, needs you to listen, or needs a commitment – those are things you can change, if you wanted to. She’s crying out for you. More than likely she doesn’t want to end it; she just wants you to step up.

Now if she starts talking about personality traits, your appearance, your kids, or your faith – there’s only so much you can do about those things. You could try to be a different person and change your personality – be nicer, kinder, funnier, meaner, etc.  You could lose weight, dress differently, and grow hair. Kids - I hope you wouldn’t disown your off spring over a woman, but I’ve seen that done too. And faith? I’m Christian and I refuse to compromise on that, but if your woman gives you an ultimatum between her and your faith that’s a choice you have to make on your own. I chose my God.

So you can choose to fight or fly and your choice will hopefully protect you. And if the situation ends, make sure you learned something from it. There’s no reason for us to repeat mistakes. 

Writing Again

I'll be using this blog to tell my story, its ups and downs, its wins and losses, the good and the bad, without any filters - completely Transparent. I am the Trans-ParenSEE Blogger.

Running

I was told I was a runner. And it’s true. I am.

I’ve been running FOREVER. I remember when I was in elementary school. My older sister would race me up the driveway, she’d win, she’d tease...I’d cry. But Mom put an end to that. Made me race her till her till I won, and if I didn’t...I wasn’t allowed to cry, just to try harder.

I don’t cry when I lose anymore.

In Jr. High I realized I was actually fast...freaky fast. But instead of delivering subs, I spent the next 5 years running in circles, going nowhere, but getting there fast. There were trophies and medals at the finish lines. They were little tokens of my achievements of running fast, but getting nowhere. But still, I liked to run. It was fun, it was relaxing.

In college, I still ran...but a different type of running. I was running after someone - now I was chasing. I spent most my college career chasing this one chick. I mean I was on this girl like white on rice. I mean I was head over heels. I mean flowers, cards, dinners, movies, gifts, poems, and letters. I even lent her money. If she needed a bug killed I was there. A ride, I was there. I’d do anything for this girl. She wasn’t a user, she never asked for anything. I did things because I could, because I wanted to, because I wanted to show that I cared, that I wanted her and was willing to work for her. I was young and sprung, so I chased, full steam ahead - heart outstretched, offering the world only wanted/needing a sign that it wasn’t all for nothing.

I was even the shoulder to cry on when other guys did her wrong and they did, often, because they were runners too. But they ran -- away. Away from commitment, away from monogamy, maybe away from their own insecurities and fears of being hurt. Either way, they weren’t there long. I was. Always available, always willing, always ready to give her 110%. I chased.

I chased the possibility of an us. I chased a dream of making her happy, of being all the things that they weren’t and that she wanted them to be. I chased the white picket fence and 2.5 kids.

I chased and tried harder, but I never won. No shinny medal because I never made it to the finish line. I lost. Chasing wasn’t fun or relaxing, it hurt. I thought I could do anything if I tried hard enough. But after all I did, I was still a great guy for someone else but just a friend to her. I didn’t want to try anymore. So I learned to stop chasing, guard my heart and to just run. I discovered the easiest way to run, is to not try, to not give 110%, to not get stuck and always have an exit. I finally knew why those some of those other guys ran, pain. This is the running they were really talking about, and they were right.

Years later, I’m over her but it’s still hard to try, to be 110% in the chase because the fear of hurt is real even when I know someone deserves it. Scared to get hurt, to put myself 100% out there, to focus and commit. So I still lose.

But maybe I’ve been chasing the wrong thing.

Proverbs 18: 22 says, “The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the Lord.” And that’s what I want more than anything. Reading that verse out of context makes it sound like a wife would lead you to God. However, Palms 37:4 tells us to “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Through all my sins and misdirection God already knows the desires of my heart. He’s just waiting on me to turn it all over to him.

It’s time to stop running, sit still and listen to God. 

Questions of Forgiveness

How would you react in this case: Your spouse cheats on you and gets caught. They say they won’t do it again and ask for your forgiveness. You love them so you accept their apology and forgive them; after some work things are back to normal. Sometime later you catch them again. You still love them, but do you forgive them again? Can you move on? Furthermore, you find out the cheating never really stopped. We’re told to forgive each other but it’s much easier said than done.

However, my topic today is not about us forgiving each other (man) but certain circumstances we go to God for forgiveness.

The scenario above is the predicament we put God in. We sin, He catches us every time, we ask for His forgiveness and more than likely do it again. Most times I’m sure we have the best intentions of doing right, and for while we do straighten up and act right. But the flesh is weak and many times temptation and opportunity get the best of us. Then unintentionally we find ourselves back in old habits and soon we’re repenting and asking for forgiveness again. God loves us unconditionally and the thing is He forgives us to please Himself, not because we deserve it (Isaiah 43:25). Had it been left to us we’d all be on the short bus to hell. We all fall short, but at least we’re trying.

By definition, real repentance means to turn from sin and dedicate oneself to the amendment of one's life. So it’s possible to be sorry and even ask for forgiveness without truly repenting. But isn’t it the act of true repentance part of what secures our spot in heaven?

This is the part that’s going to step on some toes. What about the times we ask for forgiveness and intentionally find ourselves back in habitual sin? The obvious example is premarital sex.  We have sex, then go to church and ask for forgiveness for our sins and go back at it like nothing happened. How can you go to God and ask for forgiveness knowing that you have every intention of doing it again? Are we really repenting if we intend to do it again? We like to say stuff like “God know my heart” and He does, but he also knows our sins and our intentions. It doesn’t seem like we really repent. We go through the motions so we can feel better about what we’re doing but He knows if we’re really sincere or just fooling ourselves. We’re definitely not fooling Him.

 I don’t have all the answers and have battled and been conflicted with this myself. But I can definitely pose the questions.

It Aint Easy Being Christian

And anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.

It’s a constant struggle, an eternal internal conflict between flesh and faith that we as humans cannot win alone. Our instinctive nature tells us to please our flesh while the Bible orders us to be faithful. And however much our spirit willing, our flesh is weak (Matthew 26:41). There’s constant temptation, numerous opportunities, and those who are more than willing to help us do wrong. Where are those to help us do right and stay strong to our faith?

I hate it when older people in the church tell us all the things we shouldn’t do. Not that they’re wrong, but they act as if they never did the very same things at our age. They may not be doing them now, but at 50 yrs old I won’t say you don’t have the same temptations, but you definitely don’t have the same opportunities.

As a young Christian, most of the Lord’s 10 Commandments I don’t have too many problems with. The Lord is my God, I have no idols, I hadn’t stolen anything since I was little, I hadn’t murdered anyone, I… well, you get the point. But there’s that 7^th one, that whole thing about adultery (Exodus 20:14) at which root is lust. And on top on not having sex, I can’t even think about it! (Matthew 5:28) Sounds like a set up for constant failure.

And in fact it would be if it wasn’t for the simple fact that we are not saved by our works, but by His grace (Ephesians 2:8-9) and even our greatest righteousness would be as filthy rags to Him (Isaiah 64:6). However, we must be careful to not take His grace and blessings for granted. It’s not as simple as asking to be forgiven for something you’ve done. You have to believe in your heart that Jesus died for us and was raised from the dead. 

Found My Bible

My car broke down on me late one night. So I had to clean it out when  it towed to the shop. Among the various random items (coats, shoes, etc) I tend to leave in the car, is one of my Bibles. The one I take to church.

So I took everything in the house and put what I needed in the other car a couple days while the car got fixed. Wednesday came. I searched my house up and down looking for that Bible. I mean everywhere…even the places I knew it wasn’t (frig, drawers, closet, under the bed). Then it hit me, I checked the car. There it was, sitting in the passenger seat and the first thought that came to mind was “right where it’s suppose to be.”

Before personal GPS, on long road trips most people consider the person sitting in the passenger seat the navigator. They talk to you during the trip, but most importantly…give directions. But they are not the driver. The driver can ignore the talking, disagree, accidently miss a turn or purposely refuse to follow directions. The navigator can only give advice, but the driver has free will to take it or not. The consequence of refusing that advice is getting lost.

I have to admit, I’ve been a little lost lately. Ignoring the voice. Distracted. Not following directions. Making the turns I wanted to take instead of the ones I knew were right. The more I followed my own directions, the further away from where I suppose to. Luckily modern day navigation systems update with each wrong move so that you’re never completely lost.

God is that navigator. He talks to us along the journey and gives directions. We decide when/if we’re going to listen but until we do He continues to update our route. The John 10 depicts Him as the Good Sheppard, whose sheep follow only His voice and who doesn’t allow any of His sheep to get lost. He only guides the sheep, He doesn’t and can’t walk for them, But He can and does protect them from harm. He continues to give directions and even reclaims us when we do stray.

Manifestation #871 that I’ve grown in Christ: Asking for Directions 

Yard Work

Last year I had some drainage problems in my back yard. Part of the fix was to dig up and replace one of the drainage pipes that went to the front yard along the driveway. The area was covered with grass and weeds so I assumed the pipe was buried in the dirt; however, when I went to pull up the pipe I found that it was actually buried in gravel. Dirt and weeds had just covered the top over time. So I pulled up the crushed pipe, replaced it with a new one. I was getting a little frustrated with how long the project was taking, so instead of burying the pipe in clean gravel, I put the gravel/dirt mixture back down and stored the extra gravel in a wheel barrel in the back yard. I figured after a few good rains, the dirt would wash away and it look great. I was right.

Fast forward to this year. While the rain had washed away a lot of the dirt, a layer still remained underneath. Weeds were starting to grow through the gravel. PISSED. By April the area was 80% covered with weeds…more PISSED.

So I decided to pull up a few inches of gravel and do it right. Figured the gravel in the back would be nice and clean after 9 months of rain. WRONG. While the top layer appeared nice and clean on the surface, it was as muddy as ever underneath. So I had to clean the gravel before putting it back down…I even put down a weed cloth to prevent anything else from growing. Clean gravel no weeds….#Winning!

I was about to put the dirty gravel I dug up in the same wheel barrel as before. Then the inspiration for this blog hit me. Two points:

1. Whether it’s laying down dirty gravel and expecting weeds not to grow, or making the same bad choices in life expecting different results … we can’t keep doing the same thing expecting different results. We as Christians go through trials which should make us stronger and smarter, but some of us (including myself) have to experience weeds a few times before we try a different approach.

1.  We are the gravel in the wheel barrel. Months of rain washed over the gravel— making them appear clean, pure and ready for use, on the surface. But because of what was holding it, they could never really be cleansed of the dirt that was preventing it from fulfilling its purpose.  Let me rephrase: Things we do or don’t do may make us appear clean and pure, on the surface; but until we’re ready to let go of the dirt that’s holding us back on the inside, we won’t be able to fulfill our purpose.

 Sometimes it’s easier to lie in our own dirt. It’s familiar. It’s comfortable. It’s easy.  But the Bible tells us to not fear because He is with us and He will strengthen and harden us through difficulties. And He will help us. (Isaiah 41:10) The thing is, we have to want that help. We have to be ready to let go of the past and be ready and open to allowing the Spirit to cleanse more than just the surface.
 

Manifestation #4110 that I’ve grown in Christ: Looking Below the Surface