Chapter 4: Love

Love is…

            Uncontrollable, unexplainable, and sometimes unobtainable

            And once you it it, can prove to be unsustainable.

            Unimaginable if you not in it, and

Indescribable when u find it, but

            Worth living for when you find the one, yet

            Suicidal when you find you love’s undone.

Love is…

            Blind, sometimes hard to find

Playing psychological tricks on the brightest minds

A million chemical reactions within your brain, but

Enough to drive a crazy man sane, and

Hard to let go of, hard to command,

Hard to make work, hardest to understand

Love…

            Hurts, yet can heal with time,

            Grows, yet can fade with time,

Is not an action, person, place, or thing,

Is just a fraction of the stuff that makes the caged bird sing

Is unexpected, sometimes misdirected

Is unconditional, but hates to be rejected.

Love…

            Was, and will be, but most importantly

           

Love is

Life is Short

Life is short, and I don't mean in the "if I live to be 83 that's nothing in comparison to the vastness of endless time" sense. I mean in the "you or I could die tomorrow" sense.

Another former UA student died. From what I heard she busted a blood vessel in her brain 2-3 weeks ago and then had blood clot that took her life. Again, this was someone I knew. Someone I had even sat down had random conversations wit and now she's gone.

There has been A LOT of deaths this past year and then with all the crazy stuff going on in the world (natural and unnatural disasters) there's no telling who we'll be morning over next. With all of this going on I am amazed at the petty things that people hold on to and fight about. Let that shit go. I did.

A friend of mine came into town this weekend, and apparently we not on the best of terms so I kept my distance most the weekend. Out of sight-out of mind, and I didn't really have the time or energy to be sucked into any drama. I'm sure that her and her friends ran my name through the mud all weekend and found every possible reason to blame everything that's happened on me—I don't care. And I'm sure they called me every name they could possibly think of—I don't care. And I'm sure they all thought that I finally came because I just couldn't stay away—I don't care. If that makes it easier for them to sleep at night then go right ahead.

I know she didn't want to see me and even though my opinions, thoughts, and feelings about her have changed over the last few weeks I stilled needed to see her. Not because I miss her, or I need her--No. I needed to because if something happened (God forbid) to her I would be crushed and never forgive myself. Some things you just got to do for yourself, and you got to do them now becuase tomorrow may be too late.

No Effort List

So I have been hanging with some old friends from Jr High recently (funny how things come full circle, but that’s a whole other blog). We were having lunch a few days ago and my boy was talking about how he had to put this chic on the “no effort list.” I didn’t understand, so I asked him to explain. He was like after the 2^nd date if he hasn’t gotten any play he puts the chic on the list. This means he isn’t going out of his way to call, see, and try to cutt with the girl. He said the only way he’d hit if he was in the area and she called saying she was butt naked ready to cutt. I was like “wow.”

Now, I think I have a similar system. Once I reach the point where I feel that a girl “aint talking about shit,” or that I am putting in too much effort for the results I’m getting. I’ll stop calling, texting, etc. Definitely won’t go out of my way to take her out or see her. And it’s not that I may not be feeling her, but if she isn’t going to reciprocate why I got to be doing all the work?

I’m not a mean person. If they call I’ll answer. I’ll reply to a text or email. And maybe from that we’ll get back to some level of something. Hopefully better than where we were before, but if I stopped calling/texting and I hadn’t heard from them I’ll just as soon she isn’t feeling me anyway.

Now, min effort might mean that I randomly text time to time, FB, etc…and probably only if I’m bored with nothing to do. Basically, I’ve gotten to the point where I feel that any effort is wasted time on my part.

Moral of the story: Girls/Guys, if you haven’t heard from someone in a while, but you haven’t bother to check up on them maybe you sealing your own grave. They just may have put you on the “no effort list.”

In Dem Genes

A friend of mind has been recently joking (I hope) about how she going to just have enough sex with me to have my kids, then let me do as I please. And she’s cool with that because if I leave her she just going to take all my money in child support and alimony. I told her that wasn’t going to happen. She said good, cause if I let it happen I’d be a loser anyway. I agreed and concluded that I had nothing to worry about.

I was watching an interesting episode of Law and Order: SVU where this lady was drugging men, using an electric probe to force ejectculation, and steal the sperm. These men were world class athletes, musicians, doctors, etc. Basically they were the “cream of the crop” in all areas of life. She took the sperm and gave it to the sperm back she worked at. Women were buying it at 200, 000 a hit.

This got me thinking. When I look at women I think about whether I think they going to be fat, how attractive they are, their athletic build, intelligence, etc. I always look at these things in respect to my personal tastes, never with respect to offspring. Maybe I should start thinking about my future looking for my mate on the basis of her genes. So we can create some super genius athletes. Back in HS my friends used to joke about how me and a few of the female track girls should reproduce so we can have some instant Olympic hopefuls.

I think I got pretty good genes (not worth 200, 000….. maybe just half that). I am one of 5 kids. We are all intelligent, in good health, and artistic. And we all have dominating personalities and are destined for great things.

The show also hit on the fact the science is getting to the point where people can have children “made to order,” specifying everything from sex, hair color, eye color, height, etc. What if that can to pass? Wouldn’t that create an even larger riff between the haves and have-nots? Between the enhanced and the normal people? If you knew that there were people literally breed to be smarter, faster, and just better than you wouldn’t that be a little bit discouraging?

Finally

So I got to have that conversation I wanted to have with the person I wanted to have it with. Didn’t hear what I wanted to hear, and in fact heard some things that I didn’t expect to hear. But all in all, even though the outcome wasn’t in my favor, I just FEEL BETTER. Being able to go into the New Year knowing EXACTLY where I stand is what I wanted for Christmas.

She wasn’t able to give me any direct answers, but she indirectly answered all my questions. I had been debating whether it was time to let go, and it is. If it was meant to be then it will happen, and if it isn’t then we’ll find happiness elsewhere. Maybe when /if she’s ever ready I hope she’ll let me know. But I see I needed to stop “nurturing” something that she was fighting against.

Everyone says that relationships are hard work, but apparently so is liking someone. I don’t think I’ve ever really wanted something/someone that was easy to obtain, but with the allure of trying comes the reality that you may not ever succeed. My favorite line from John Legends new CD is “Love hurts sometimes when you do it right.” I whole heartily agree, and I guess this is one of those times.

A Good Man

You say you want a Good Man
And when it comes to finding one you won't.
Because when it comes to really wanting one,
Simply put; ladies you don't.
You say you want a Good Man
One that will always give you hugs,
But every time I turn around
You're always chasing after thugs.
You say you want a Good Man
Well I'm here to tell you that's not true
Because the last one that came your way,
Wasn't tall enough for you.
You say you want a Good Man
Cause you're tired of trifling mess
But you rolled your eyes at the last one
Because you didn't like the way he dressed.
You say you want a Good Man
One that will have you for his wife
Yet every time you come across one,
You say he's just too nice.
You say you want a Good Man
Now I'm not saying you should make him beg.
But a brother should at least know your first and last name.
Before you open up your legs.
See if you try that with a Good Man,
In you he won't be pleased.
For he realizes, just like he could have,
Other brothers have had you with ease.
Now in order to get a Good Man
You need to listen; see it's in your favor.
Starting with the fact that no Good Man
Wants a woman who curses like a sailor.
And in your quest to find a Good Man
Listen as if it's Law.
You'll never find a good man,
If you always label him as a dog.
See a Good Man wants a woman
That expects to receive his best.
But you will never ever find one,
If you keep settling for less.
Now if you've found a man
That you think might be right for you.
You'll know he's not a Good man
If he won't go to church with you.
For in the life of a Good Man
You're not first, but don't take it hard.
See you're standing right there next to him,
But you're second after God.
So if you still would like a Good Man
One that will make a real good husband.
There's only one thing left for you to do
And that's simply become a Good Woman. 

Time to Think

So I am at home for the holiday break with WAY too much free time on my hands. In between sleeping, watching tv, eating, sleeping talking to my family, hanging with old friends and sleeping, I think and write, write and think… probablely over think and under write and over analyze. But none this less it’s been happening. It’s said that idle hands are the devils playground, so what is an idle mind? Think on that one.

So in the time I’ve been on vacation I have managed to write 5 poems. The first one called “A.N.I.M.O.S.I.T.Y.” is about some animosity I had suppressed a while back. Someone had lied on me and made me look bad. Basically the typical hater type shit, but I think it got to me because what he lied about and who he lied to. Truth be told if I had done what he said there is no way he would have been able to do the things he did. The more I thought about it, the more the whole thing just didn’t make sense. More than likely that poem will never get to the public. No reason for me to air him out, not my style. No reason for me to get caught up in that game. Karma’s a bitch anyway.

Another poem was about this girl I used to talk to. We got along well but she was stuck on her ex and I wasn’t taking her serious. One because of the ex, two because I had my own “baggage.” I couldn’t give her what she wanted and didn’t think it fair to give any less… so it never progressed. The poem “Wish Her Well” just tells the story of us.

Now this is the serious part. The remaining 3 poems all center on the same topic. Apparently something that has been bothering me the last few days. In any relationship – friendship, courtship, marriage – is not communication one of them most important things. I wrote the poems “Incapable,” “Time Bomb,” and “More Times” about just that topic. I talk to someone on a regular basis, but we never talk about some of the most important things and it drives me crazy. And when I even temp to bring it up there’s a fight waiting to happen. I am debating if I should post the poems before I talk to her, or talk first and let the poems back up how I feel. Or vice versa. I’m sure this post will give her enough warning to keep her cool.

What if one person is waiting and willing to talk, but the other literally runs from the conversation? What if one person can’t tell if they’re alone in the situation and it’s time to move on? Is that not a train wreck waiting to happen? It’s almost 2007 and I can’t go into the New Year in the dark. This lack of communication has been bad for my health. I’m tryin to be healthy.